Weight has always been a measurement of beauty in our society. Unfortunately, it is a shallow and sad part of our society to think if you are not skinny, you are not beautiful. Of course, there are health concerns associated with weight. but in the end, the biggest concern has always been emotional.
Growing up, I was a little chubbier than most, and that's just how things were. I wasn't overweight, but I wasn't considered the standard and skinny appearance of most. Growing up, I began to gain weight, trying to fill the void of insecurity and destruction that people had done to me when it came to who I was. People would call me fat, call me chubby, girly and gay. It was a constant cycle of deconstructive comments that forced me to seek comfort in other forms. People held standards to me and made me feel like I was less of a person because of my weight.
These standards took a toll on how I felt as an individual. Hearing someone make a comment about my weight tore me down in ways I tried to build myself up. Trying to be confident in who I was and trying to feel comfortable in my own skin was something I was trying to fix every day, and when someone would call me fat or tell me I should exercise made me feel like all the work I was doing for nothing.
I considered all of what I could do. I imagined a life where I was skinny and could fit clothes everyone else was wearing. I dreamed of being able to wear my friends' clothes and to be able to comfortably walk around without a shirt, but those are only dreams.
I have tried to exercise, I have tried dieting, and I could do it for a certain amount of time before things became too hard. I want to be skinnier for myself, I want to be happy in my own skin but it often seems more difficult to exercise than to lie down in bed and watch a few episodes on Netflix.
The pain I carry each day comes from comments from people who want the best from me. I know my weight isn't the healthiest, I know I'm not the slimmest or the most athletic, but I want to be, with every fiber of my being. I am trying, I want to make it to where I feel the most comfortable in my body, but I need help. I need motivation and encouragement. I need friends who drag me to the gym and who tell me what foods are good to eat. I don't need someone to remind me how unhealthy I am and how I need to lose weight because that is more deconstructive rather than constructive.
I know one day I will be happy with my weight, but for now, I am still hurting from all the comments made to me about my weight now. I want to make it, but I really do need help to do it. It's a lonely and tough road to walk.
