The Darkness Of An Eating Disorder

The Darkness Of An Eating Disorder

Eating disorders are not just about food, but about control.
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The darkness of an eating disorder; it will never be enough.

I found this weird sense of comfort in being miserably cold.

I was completely alone, in my head all day every day. Every day became just watching the seconds go by on the clock trying to do something else other than think about food. The days became just one more day to get through. But the thing is, when your life revolved around something, especially something that is essential for living, it's a really difficult thing to do.

Hungry -- so unbelievably hungry. My stomach had been growling for three days now, but I felt a very sick satisfaction out of being so hungry and being able to control myself from not eating. Every day dragged on and on until I decided it was OK for me to eat. At this point, my thoughts were being taken over by an evil I didn't even realize could affect me. I was too weak to get out of bed in the morning and so cold, I was wearing three layers of sweaters and three pairs of socks.

The even sad part of it is, even how miserable I was, I loved every second of knowing I was skin and bones. I looked into the mirror and saw a fat pig which is my body dysmorphia messing with my head.

I was 90 pounds. That wasn't enough for me to believe I was actually too skinny. For my anorexic brain, which was now controlling my every thought, I could never be skinny enough.

My thoughts were consumed by numbers and measurements, and I was so malnourished that I would black out. I cannot even remember five months of my life.

I had never been depressed before, but in that time of my life, I was self-destructing and in my lowest depression. I isolated myself because hanging out with people involved food most of the time and I would do anything to avoid being in a situation like that.

Now, you are reading this from a girl who used to get excited when food came on the table, loved cooking and lived to eat not just survive. I have an Italian family and we all love to eat.

So I never understood how I got stuck in a disorder like this, but it is like an addiction, and addiction affects a wide variety of people. I could not get out of misery and I found such an unbelievable comfort in being miserable it baffled me. This was not just about food when I was in a time where control of myself and my life was out of reach, I could control what I put into my mouth.

I was battling myself and my mind which had so much power over me. I was not me anymore, I was dead on the inside, numb and "zombified" by my enemy, anorexia. Ana became my best friend and the only one I needed to please, which was destroying my heart, mind and health. I was a hypocrite, I gave advice when people asked because I knew exactly what to do to be healthy and not destroy myself, but did the complete opposite.

To this day, I have learned that overcoming an enemy so strong is possible and have gained so much confidence and self-esteem in my own body.

Recovery is possible for anyone struggling with an eating disorder and it becomes a spiritual awakening for you.

Cover Image Credit: techprone

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8 Struggles Of Being 21 And Looking 12

The struggle is real, my friends.
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“You'll appreciate it when you're older." Do you know how many times my mom has told me this? Too many to count. Every time I complain about looking young that is the response I get. I know she's right, I will love looking young when I'm in my 40s. However, looking young is a real struggle in your 20s. Here's what we have to deal with:

1. Everyone thinks your younger sister or brother is the older one.

True story: someone actually thought my younger sister was my mom once. I've really gotten used to this but it still sucks.

2. You ALWAYS get carded.

Every. Single. Time. Since I know I look young, I never even bothered with a fake ID my first couple of years of college because I knew it would never work. If I'm being completely honest, I was nervous when I turned 21 that the bartender would think my real driver's license was a fake.

3. People look at your driver's license for an awkward amount of time.

So no one has actually thought my real driver's license is fake but that doesn't stop them from doing a double take and giving me *that look.* The look that says, “Wow, you don't look that old." And sometimes people will just flat out say that. The best part is this doesn't just happen when you're purchasing alcohol. This has happened to me at the movie theater.

SEE ALSO: 10 Things People Who Look 12 Hate Hearing

4. People will give you *that look* when they see you drinking alcohol.

You just want to turn around and scream “I'M 21, IT'S LEGAL. STOP JUDGING ME."

5. People are shocked to find out you're in college.

If I had a dollar for every time someone had a shocked expression on their face after I told them I'm a junior in college I could pay off all of my student loan debt. It's funny because when random people ask me how school is going, I pretty much assume they think I'm in high school and the shocked look on their face when I start to talk about my college classes confirms I'm right.

6. For some reason wearing your hair in a ponytail makes you look younger.

I don't understand this one but it's true. Especially if I don't have any makeup on I could honestly pass for a child.

7. Meeting an actual 12-year-old who looks older than you.

We all know one. That random 12-year-old who looks extremely mature for her age and you get angry because life isn't fair.

8. Being handed a kids' menu.

This is my personal favorite. It happens more often than it should. The best part of this is it's your turn to give someone a look. The look that says, "You've got to be kidding me".

Looking young is a real struggle and I don't think everyone realizes it. However, with all the struggles that come with looking young, we still take advantage of it. Have you ever gone to a museum or event where if you're under a certain age you get in for a discounted price? Yeah? Well, that's when I bet you wish you were us. And kids' meals are way cheaper than regular meals so there have definitely been a couple times when I've kept that kids' menu.

So, all in all, it's not the worst thing in the world but it's definitely a struggle.

Cover Image Credit: Jenna Collins

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It's 2019, Can We Stop Talking About Women's Bodies

With all of our problems in the world, why do we still body shame women.

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I'm sure you've heard everything! I'm sure you've heard the screams of women over analyzing the media for shaming our bodies. While there is shaming in the media, our bodies shouldn't be the focus of our world now. Our society is going through some major problems that our beauty and vanity shouldn't be the forefront of everything we see. Women have been expected to look a certain way since the dawn of our conception. I feel like our health, life and political standing are more important than the color that should be on the lips and cheeks of our face. I'd rather be able to go to the doctor without fear of not being heard then learn how to contour my face into oblivion.

Growing up, I had both skinny and plus-sized girlfriends. Did I have that toxic mindset that they were better than me because they were either skinnier than I or had better breast and butt sizes, yes I did and I hate myself for it. I was the troll back in the Myspace days telling skinny girls to eat a cheeseburger and the plus sized girls that they need to eat more salad. Looking back, I was a terrible human to my own gender. I was that normal sized girl (by today's standards) with some fat to keep me warm in the winter (nonexistent in FLORIDA). I also had my friends that would troll other girls because of their own insecurities and jealousy. That is not how we should treat other girls.

The fact that we have more rights and positions then we've had over the past 100 years and we still feel the need to judge ourselves and others still makes us primitive. Throughout history, women have been regarded as either property or as goddesses. Us being goddesses needs to make a comeback. I'm so thankful that we are considering ourselves goddesses because that will inspire girls to do whatever they want. Nowadays girls are learning traditionally male careers at an early age and that's a great step towards equality.

Women shouldn't be known for their bodies and should be known for our accomplishments. Body shaming is archaic and has no position in today's society. Just because a woman wears a size 00 or 22, it doesn't limit our capabilities. A woman wearing a 00 can accomplish learning computer code as same as a woman wearing a size 18. Women's sizing also isn't regulated because a size 12 can be the same as a size 14 in different brands.

If we are going to be continued to be known for our bodies, it looks like we need to stand up for our health. To be able to have a safe abortion, a judge-free hysterectomy or mastectomy would do our world a lot of good. I would rather have a woman get the right healthcare SAFELY then hear about another woman dying because of medical malpractice due to an under the table procedure. Our bodies have every right to have a necessary or wanted procedure to help us feel healthy in both body and mind. For those who continue to judge...It's none of your business.
So ladies...
.

.

you are capable, creative, intelligent, beautiful and WHATEVER YOU WANT TO BE!

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