Hey guys!
Sitting here today, thinking about writing this post is literally giving me goose bumps. I'm not kidding, my heart is racing, and I feel legitimately… terrified. I said I wanted this blog to be as transparent, and honest as possible and that's pretty easy to say, but when it comes to posting about these types of things, it can be a little nerve wrecking. Nevertheless, if even just one person can relate to this or find comfort in knowing they're not alone, I will be over the moon.
So, let's talk yall. Let's talk about the D word…yep,
Depression

It's been two and a half years since I wrote that annoyingly awkward intro to a blog I still haven't managed to start. I was about a year into my depression at that point and naïvely thought "oh they're all right! I'll just write about it!"

Well two and half years, 4 major depressive relapses, countless anxiety attacks, one trip to the ER, and three medication changes later… I'm back.

I know I know. It sounds bad. Well it is bad. But let me tell you something- if that peppy "hey guys!" girl posted about what it's like to live with depression, I'd want to punch her in the face- you'd want to punch her in the face. Hell, I don't even know if my experience will be doing other's justice, but by writing this, I hope to god to make someone out there feel less alone, make someone possibly laugh, and just maybe give some insight to those who love someone going through this struggle.

First off- I'm fucking happy. I'm a happy 20-year-old girl who loves my job, and loves dogs and playing practical jokes, and who has worked incredibly hard to be real and authentic with my reality. I've created a life I honestly love and majority of the time I feel present and in control.

Until I don't…

And let me start by saying, if you don't already know what your triggers are, FIND THEM. Keep a running list of anything and everything that makes you feel some sort of way and dig through it until you recognize something that make you feel sad/ anxious. Now- it would be lovely to take that list and set every one of those things on fire… but this is life, and life is hard, so the least you can do is remember the things that make it a little harder for you- and avoid. Or better yet sit on a therapist's couch and work out your shit until you no longer have to avoid. But for now, my triggers include my mom, my boyfriend and I fighting, feeling left out, being on my period, getting too much in a routine, and not having sunshine. Oh yeah- and alcohol. That is the hardest one for me. Let me just tell you, I have made some of the best memories with alcohol. I have had fun and suffered only the minor, hangover-y consequences of green tea shots. But the times in my life where I have suffered the worst- where I have come the closest to ending my own life- have also involved alcohol. So, if you have depression and alcohol is (even just sometimes) a trigger, give it up now. It's not worth it. Your friends will still love you; you can still be a down ass bitch who loves to dance on elevated surfaces and karaoke and embarrass yourself, you're just going to have to figure out who to do it sober sister because your life and well-being is worth so much more.

Now even with your triggers identified- I'm sorry to say, it's not going to save you from the weight depression will unload on you. There will be days when it has nothing more to do with your stupid hormones or brain chemicals, and it sucks, and you will feel alone, but please remember, you're not. Maybe miss happy-go-lucky teenager up there had something right after all- if you're reading this, you're not alone.

You are not alone.

And let me tell you- depression does not pick and choice. I guarantee you most of the people who know me would have no idea about my struggle- well that is until I get drunk and cry about how depressed I am (triggers people, triggers). So, this is where the really really important part comes in. And please re-read this as many times as you need to; depression does not make you less than. One more time for the people in the back- depression does not make you less than. If I had a nickel for every time, I held back sharing with my friends the truth about my mental health because I was embarrassed they would see me as less than… oh man I sure as hell wouldn't be in college right now. So, if there is one good thing you can do for yourself today- please open up to someone. Be vulnerable and I promise life will thank you for it.

Now on the off chance that person doesn't respond well to you opening up- walk away. FAST walk away- because that person may not be depressed but they're DUMB.

Ok, kidding, but in all fairness, I have had experiences where the friends I wanted to be a part of my support system may just have not had the mental space or capacity to do so. And babe- that's on THEM. Not you. So, give yourself some grace, and find the support elsewhere. I promise there are people who would gladly come sit by your side and watch The Office until you feel good enough to take a shower.

When you find those gems who welcome you and all your flaws, and you hold them tight and remind them every day how much you love and appreciate them. But please please remember, your besties- they aren't super heroes, and you'll NEED more people on your team. If you haven't found a therapist whom you would gladly get matching tattoos with (only slightly kidding), find one- now. Can't afford one? Go to your universities counseling center. Don't like the one you saw? See another. As much as you love your friends, you need someone who has literally gone through schooling to know what to say to you. And don't tell anyone- but shhhh- sometimes it actually works. Please tell your doctor and if you're not comfortable with meds and say NO. They aren't a fix all magic pill. BUT- if you've tried all other options don't be afraid to try medication. Be warned- that shit in not like Cinderella's glass slipper- it'll take a few tries to see what works for you. Just be smart and keep your doctor in to loop (again, went to school for this kind of thing). Also again, don't like him/her- find a new one. You're in charge here!

And babe, even with all this in place. With the triggers identified, and the friends, and support, and knowledge, and love, it hurts me to say your still going to have dark days. You're going to have days when it feels like you have no purpose here and every inch of your body aches when you breathe. You're going to have days when you physically cannot text your friend back, or go to school, or eat a meal. You're going to have days were you are just CONVINCED you are undeserving of love and happiness. I know this- because I still do. But if you take away just one thing from this please know the thoughts will pass.

The pain is temporary, you are loved, and the thoughts will pass!

Make a plan and try try try your best to accomplish something on the list. Start small and work your way up. Even if it's just a shower- good freaking job! Even if you can only manage to go to one class and then come home and get right back in bed- Keep at it!!! You need to cry all day then bathe yourself in essential oils? Have at it sister! Small victories, are still victories and I'm sorry, but screw anyone who says other wise. Reach out to that super hero team you've got and keep trying please. Because girl I promise you- the thoughts will pass. I know this because I'm writing this coming off a four-day hiatus of barley being able to leave my bed. And I just ate my first meal in 3 days… It was pancakes because my therapist told me to come home and order my favorite meal.. and it freaking rocked. I promise you- I know pain, and it's unbearable, but I also know the come up, and it is so so sweet and it will always come back for you.

Depression is real. Depression is ugly and scary and most of all its wrong. I still don't have all the answers. I still push people away when don't want to, I still give into my triggers, and I still mess up. I mess up badly. I still am so incredibly hard on myself for being sad, when the only thing I should be doing is treating myself with care. But what I can say, is I'm trying. Hey- I'm writing this so maybe someone can try with me.

I'm not going to lie- I'm doubting anyone will take away a thing from this but google says there's about 16 million of you who know what I'm talking about so one of you bitches better like it. Cheers!

If you do need immediate help please reach out to someone- it's okay to not be okay. If you don't want to call someone the crisis hotline is confidential and open 24/7. Text "hello" to 741741