When the first day of class rolled around, I was surprised by how reminiscent it was of high school. Over there were the girls who, somehow, knew everyone in the school already. Over there is the guy who only ever wears shorts, even when it’s below freezing. And over there, oh they’re unmistakable; that one person who always reminds the teacher of the homework due and asks questions that are answered with “I meant about the test.”
After weeks of going to my empty dorm and having only my high school friends to grab lunch, dinner, coffee, anything with, something inside me snapped. How the hell did I turn my college experience- something all kids dreamed about, something all teenagers aimed for, something all adults, from time to time, wished to go back to- into just more extremely and utterly ordinary high school. Was this what I worked so hard for? Was this what I spent hours of homework on? And for those student-athletes out there, was this what you sacrificed time and much-needed sleep after practices for? Was this what my studying for those ridiculously over-emphasized standardized tests bought me? Just another 4 years of the same old routine?
That’s not what we were promised. We were told it would be magical, that it would be the best years of our lives, that it would change us forever. And all I needed was just a little bit more time to realize that these things were true, but no. It was clear that everyone else knew exactly what they were doing, except me. I was the outlier and I needed to push myself to catch up, so I ran to the only thing I could think of: I started forcing relationships, desperately texting several people at a time to “let’s get dukes?”
The first few days felt like progress. At least I wasn’t eating with people I’d known for years and, yeah it’s a little awkward, but hey, that’s meeting new people right? I was constantly putting myself out there and not that that’s a bad thing, but it was for the wrong reasons. I was trying too hard to show people that I at least met their requirement of a potential friend, and, at some point, I stopped doing it for the friendship and instead to look like I had friends. After a month or so, I was exhausted. It’s as if you do an entire page of math or science or whatever, and it turns out you did the wrong assignment. You sit there like, “wtf, I just spent all that work for nothing, and now I have to redo it.” All the relationships I made were, in a way, what I wanted. But at the same time, I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was out of place.
I had wanted college to be something so bad that I pushed and pushed it and none of what I did was organic and it felt… wrong. I would never have texted people I barely knew every day to get food or constantly tried to talk to those people in class, or asked to share an Uber with random girls in my hall. It was all so forced, so… high school.
When I realized that all I really needed to do was relax, things started to just fall into place. I met an amazing group of friends while going down to the lounge to heat up some tea. I am in love with these girls that I, at the time, barely knew and rushed into getting an apartment with next year. I became close to someone that sat next to me in the library one day during finals. Instead of the people I'd tried so hard to become close with, these beautiful serendipitous encounters were the ones that brought me the people that I'm more than lucky to have.
When those people tell you that “everyone feels like that,” you know that it’s true, but it doesn’t make you feel any better. That sensation of lagging behind everyone drills the idea into your head that you are alone, and no “everyone goes through it” can get it out. It turns you into something you’re not, and it makes you do things you don’t normally do. You act differently, you talk differently, you become not you, and there’s only one thing that can get the virus out. It is the simplest, yet the hardest piece of advice to follow. It’s something you can take along with you forever, and it’s something that will save you from yourself every time. It is a safe haven, the North Star in your darkness, it is something that is essential to achieving happiness and peace in the purest and most sincere way, and it’s this -- never forget who you are, take that deep breath, and just fucking relax.
