One of my closest friends and I recently had an argument. I assumed she never had time for me due to our lack of texting and calling. When you over think you overreact, and the spiral goes from there. So, I overacted and sent her a message explaining how I didn't think this friendship was much of a friendship. Shout out to overthinking, turns out she had a busy day and that's why she couldn't respond.
The most powerful prison must be the one between the eyes. I am almost always trapped inside of my mind and guarded by a million thoughts. They don't sleep or rest and they hover over everything I do. I have been conditioned to have my thoughts examine what, how, when and why I say or do something. In return, I have learned to do the same thing to other's actions and words. The slightest change in a persons tone or actions can siren my brain into panic mode and within seconds my thoughts have explored every reason they must hate me.
Someone texted "ok" instead of "okay" and there I am reevaluating my life because I am sure they are mad at me. I am apologizing for a day I think I ruined or becoming upset because I can't figure out what I did to them. All because someone texted "ok" instead of "okay". Let's stop and laugh, seriously!
It is so funny how over thinking works, suddenly I am convinced that whoever text "ok" doesn't like me for whatever reason. Why? Why do I take a friend being busy as they don't want to be bothered with me? Or why do I believe that something is wrong with me when someone else may be having a bad day? To top it off my actions reflect how I feel. As soon as I feel unwanted, I disconnect, become defensive or over apologize. It's a cycle, and a toxic one I want to control. I once heard the best way to control your thoughts is to question them. Ask yourself "why do I feel the way I do" and be honest with the answer. After all it is just you, you are talking to.
So, what about the difference in ok versus okay disturbed my peace and triggered overthinking. What about the unanswered text made me think they hated me rather than they were busy? During this past year I have felt so alone, my brain has become familiar with people leaving and things changing and have associate that with being my fault. So much so that what may be a quick response, "ok", is "leave me alone, I want nothing to do with you" in my brain. I push people away before they get the chance to remove themselves and then I convince myself they chose to leave because they don't like me. I feel so embarrassed sharing this with you, but this is the confessions of an over thinker.
I would argue that overthinking is nothing more than a distrust for yourself. I don't trust that I am good enough for people or things and this suck! The bull shit that I have believed my whole life has molded every relationship in my life, including the one with myself. If I never believe that I am worth the friendship, relationship, job, or any other opportunity EVERY LITTLE THING that is said or done will reconfirm this belief for me. See, that's the thing, the brain loves familiar and my familiar is abandonment.
I had a parent that was struggling with drugs and I have always believed I wasn't enough to make them stop doing drugs and be there. Long story short, since I was little girl, I witnessed the people who were supposed to care for me walk in and out of my life. I never disassociated what was going on in their life from me. That belief that I am not enough or worth the relationship was never broken! I never healed that little girl and therefore it is she that speaks or acts when I feel alone. It is she that takes an unanswered call or text and links it to feeling unwanted. I have been more comfortable with the idea that people are dismissing me than facing the fact that its me who have removed myself.
Lets take a look at the situation with my friend, before I confirmed she was busy, I told myself she clearly doesn't want to be bothered with me and she just hasn't said that yet. I assumed all of this and was willing to lose a friend behind over thinking.
Don't get me wrong, some people do choose not to be there, but that fact doesn't give me the rights to remove myself before anyone else can. It doesn't give me the rights to feel unworthy. Overthinking can be the thief of all joy and happiness if you do not learn to control it. It fools people into believing awful things about themselves that they then feel everyone else believes too.
I challenge all of us to take a moment to laugh. Laugh at the times we over thought something so much that we hurt our own feelings. I don't take mental health as a joke at all, but I have learned that you must debrief. Take a step back and breath. Process your thoughts instead of letting them run wild.
Dear friends, I will try very hard to not assume you hate me when you can't pick up the phone or when you text ok instead of okay.
The friend who thinks too much