I love giving compliments. And like any human being, I love receiving them too. But just like likes, shares, favorites, and re-tweets, I think compliments can turn into a count- the more you have the better off you are. What if I told you some compliments don't reflect who you are? What happens to the compliment count?
This week, I took three days out of my normal college class schedule to attend a classroom management seminar called A.P.L. Training. I gained so much during the training but I wanted to share one thing that really stuck with me.
Don't compliment kids on their abilities or gifts. Rather compliment them on their effort, punctuality, politeness, etc.
When they first introduced the topic, I was a little dumbfounded. Why not? I see nothing wrong with compliments like "You're really good at volleyball," or "You have a knack for English."
(Notice that the instructors never said "never." If these compliments were completely unacceptable then they would have emphasized "never" before continuing the statement. They know what they're doing.)
The idea behind the statement was not to scarcely compliment kids. The idea was to fuel the student's sense of identity beyond that of what he or she has accomplished.
For example, If I tell Kelli, "Kelli, you're very good at math," she is being programmed to understand that math is what Kelli is good at, therefore math eventually turns into who Kelli is. Now say I told Kelli, "Kelli, I admire the hard work you put into your math homework." It's not longer the math aspect of Kelli that I love, but her work ethic that drives her success in math.
It's not that I want to avoid complimenting each other. I'd love to see it done more often, but rather than complimenting the visible and obvious successes of this world, let's admire one another's hearts, drive, generosity, inner beauty, grace, trustworthiness... the list goes on and on.
One of the greatest compliments I ever received was from a volleyball coach in seventh grade. She wrote me a letter and said, "You're coach-able." She could've said, "You're a great volleyball player...a fantastic passer... stingy defender..." but rather she focused on something other than my achievements. And it's stuck with me all these years.
I just finished reading Rediscover Catholicism by Matthew Kelly (GREAT READ) and I felt he had an awesome perspective on compliments as well. He writes, "...the largest problem among young people today is poor self-esteem. You cannot correct this problem by simply showering a child with compliments." He continues on to say that one of the three sources of self-esteem is the right relationship with others (as well as God and self). One way to foster this relationship with others is to focus on the compliments that matter. The heartfelt, make (not my day but) my year compliments. Don't shower meaningless compliments. Make a compliment mean something more than face value.
Don't use achievements as a scapegoat to compliment one another. Find the raw, gritty compliments that would strike your heart because it will strike theirs too.
Let's not count our compliments. Let's make our compliments count.
