May is Mental Health Awareness Month.
This is a month that means a lot to me, and I wanted to make sure that I recognized the significance of mental health in the only way I know how to: by writing about it. Personally, I deal with anxiety on a daily basis. This is not something that just comes and goes, it is very real. For some people, they have never experienced anxiety, and I am very jealous. Recently, I was put in the position where I was asked to explain my anxiety to someone who could not personally relate to my experiences. I created this short story about my anxiety, and want to share it with the world.
This is my anxiety diary.
Imagine you're in a pool with all your loved ones. You're enjoying a nice summer night with your family, your best friends, and the man you love. Everything is great until the one person you didn't invite shows up.
To everyone else, this person is just another attendee. They're not phased by this guest, but you know why they showed up. You've tried so hard and for so long to get this person out of your life, but they keep coming back at any given moment. They're out to get you, and you know it.
They get in the water, and at first they are far away from you. They sit idly by and watch you have a great time and they get a kick out of watching you pretend like you're fine. Meanwhile, you are trying to forget they exist. You surround yourself with anything to distract you and you desperately try to make yourself strong and happy so that they cannot harm you. You're losing the fight.
Soon, they're closer. They peak out behind your boyfriend as you're trying to talk to him. They lurk around your family. Everything starts becoming duller. It's no longer a party. It's a fight or flight scenario. You either battle this person out for your sanity or you run. You're trying so hard to make this person go away, but pretty soon they consume you.
Now they're in your head. "You ruin everything." "No one loves you." "How could anyone love someone so damaged?" "You're fat and ugly." "I don't know how you manage to even wake up every morning." "You don't matter." The overthinking starts and that's what they put in your mind. You start to doubt whether your happiness is real.
This continues for a while. Pretty soon you're so caught up in thought that it starts to take over your life. You start feeling inadequate for your boyfriend, you realize you aren't good enough for your family, and you push your friends away without realizing it. You turn into the person you never thought you would be. Then it gets numb.
They start to push you underwater. For a while you fight and fight and kick back. as time goes on, you become numb. You're drowning but you're hopeless. There's no escape, and you give up.
Anxiety feels like that sometimes. It feels like you're drowning because some unseeable force is trying to destroy you. and all you can do is sit and watch and hope the feeling passes.
When dealing with anxiety, I feel like giving up at times. Even though on the outside it may seem like I have it all together, I may be having a really hard day when it comes to my mental health. I am very fortunate to have so many reasons to keep fighting against my anxiety, and I have a life full of love and full of God. However, there are some people who do not have this support system. You are not alone. I promise it gets better.
