Recently, I had the honor of scrolling through my TV guide with nothing to do on my bored, winter break day. I came across a new series on the Oprah Winfrey Network called "SuperSoul Sessions." It seemed interesting, so I tuned in. One of the speakers on the episode I watched was Brené Brown. Her topic of conversation was "The Anatomy of Trust." This is something that I had never personally thought about, but after hearing it, I immediately began to think of how this fits into my life. Here is what she had to say about the topic.
First, Brown defined the two words "trust" and "distrust." She defined trust as "choosing to make something important to you vulnerable to the actions of someone else." She defined distrust as "what I have shared with you that is important to me is not safe with you." This definitely made me think about whom I consider trustworthy in my life. I had myself thinking, "Do I really feel that way about everything I tell my friends? Do I truly and honestly trust them?" My friendships are a huge deal to me, so I couldn't stop watching Brown's discussion of trust at this point.
From here, Brown goes on to talk about an acronym she made through her studies of trust. The acronym is BRAVING. BRAVING outlines the anatomy of a relationship that has trust:
B - Boundaries
Any relationship that has trust must have boundaries. This simply means that I know what your boundaries are in our relationship and respect those, and you do the same for me. According to lifesteem.org, personal boundaries are the limits we set in relationships that allow us to protect ourselves. They make it possible for us to separate our own thoughts and feelings from those of others and to take responsibility for what we think, feel and do. They help us take care of ourselves by showing a sense of self-worth and allow us to be unique.
R - Reliability
Reliability is one of the most important mutual feelings that is present in a trusting relationship. Brown says that this means "you do what you say you will do, and you do it more than once." I know that I prioritize my friends based on whom I think is the most reliable. I want a friend who will follow through with our plans together. I think that that is what makes reliability so important in a relationship.
A - Accountability
If I'm going to trust you as my friend, you have to be able to own up to your mistakes and make amends with them. This will make me feel like I can own up to my mistakes in conversation with you and make amends with those through expressing them to you. As a trusting friend, I want to be able to face my challenges fully with you right beside me.
V - Vault
A vault is very important in a trusting relationship. Merriam-Webster defines a vault as "a room or compartment for the safekeeping of valuables." As my friend, I am trusting you to be the compartment for the safekeeping of my valuables. I expect the conversations I have with you to be held in confidence, and, once I hear that you have discussed my confidential information with another person (no matter who that person may be), you have ruined the trust in our relationship.
I - Integrity
Brown defines integrity as "choosing courage over comfort, what's right over what's fun, and practicing your values not just professing them." As a friend that I consider trustworthy, I go to you for solutions and help with my problems in life. I want you to act from a place of integrity and encourage me to do the same when you give me advice.
N - Non-Judgment
When I do come to you for advice, I want you to provide a safe haven for me where I am free from judgment. I want to be able to fall apart and have my worst days with you knowing that there is no judgment, and I want you to feel like you're able to do the same with me. This must work both ways in a trusting relationship.
G - Generosity
As friends, we will have our time to fight. All that I ask of you is that, when we do have our fights, you can assume the most generous things about my words and intentions. Maybe the day of this fight is the anniversary of the day my significant other broke up with me. Anything could have happened with either one of us on this day that has caused us to act in a mood that we did not intend to. Make the most generous assumptions for those you trust. Then, check in with that person and make sure they are OK.
These are the requirements of a relationship that has trust. Next time you tell someone that you trust them or vice-versa, make sure that all of these requirements are met. It will save you and the other person many tears and wasted minutes trying to make something work that will never happen.
If you like what you read about "The Anatomy of Trust," check out all of the other "SuperSoul Sessions" online! Each session is available at the link for free. You won't be disappointed in the outcome of just one session.
