The first thing that a lot of my friends would point out about me is that I am very upfront about who I am. I let my opinions be heard, let the birds sing my song, and turn up the music of my song when silenced; but I wasn't always like that. Up until about seventh grade, actually, I was the opposite. I hid who I was to others and internalized all of my struggles, opinions, and ambitions. I allowed myself to turn the somebody that I am, to the nobody that no one knew.
Perhaps that is why my teachers liked me so much. I was disciplined, quiet, and did everything that I was asked to do. Arguably, I wasn't alive; I was simply living in an empty shell. All of the other kids used to make fun of me and like I had stated before, I didn't stand up for myself when I needed to. Everyone else was able to control who "Cat" was, except...well.. Cat. I think that behavior died out now though, at least to the extent that it can. Unfortunately, it took years.
And during those years, I suffered the most. Everything I knew to be right, was passively shrugged off as wrong. My need to engage in representation for the greater good, was shut down. My ideas of bettering the lives of others even at the expense of my own, was considered wrong. Allowing myself to become the voice that projected left when every other voice projected right, was "stupid". Anything and everything that I had to say just wasn't what my peers wanted. For that, I was outcasted and hushed Everything that I value in myself right now, I valued in silence then.
Of course, I suffered in a few different ways. The most detrimental way is the stunting of my growth to become my true self. I had all the tools to become the amazing person that I set out to be, but I didn't use them... because I had eyes gawking at the peculiar objects in my palms. My ideas were foreign, NOT directly beneficial to myself, and different. I was afraid to use them. This was my fault.
But I can't be afraid anymore. I can't be afraid to voice my own opinon. I can't be afraid to speak up for myself. If I don't speak up, who will? In this selfish society, who can efficiently become my voice? When I was struggling with my mental illness, I was the one that spoke up and went to the therapist. To handle my BPD, I utilized my voice. At this moment, I am communicating my thoughts to you THROUGH MY VOICE. I touch hundreds of lives through my advocacy for mental illness using my voice! The voice-- the same one that everyone else seemed to hush-- that I had, was the same one that moved mountains and changed the courses of rivers. The only power that can never be stripped away from me, I let others seize. Why?
Why can't I say what needs to be said? Because it doesn't follow the social norms of avoiding conflict and escaping any sense of accountability? Why can't I be truthful and honest about my ideas, and be proud of them? Why can't I ask questions to learn?Why can't I represent my beliefs? Why do I need to stay quiet? Who is going to represent me if I don't? Why is anything I have to say inferior to anyone else's? You answer these questions within quality and maybe then, I will allow myself to become that nobody that no one knew.
But for now... Hi, I'm Cat. I'm loud, obnoxious, vocal, honest, upfront, and have virtually no filter. I believe in sacrificing myself for others and reaching out to those I have never talked to. I believe in things that other people don't agree with and I approach almost every situation with the will to learn. I am not afraid to be who I am and I, most definitely, am not afraid to use my voice. You usually hear me before you see me, and it is because I simply cannot -- and will not-- hide myself.
