The claim that we want our ex-boyfriends to be happy is, well, the biggest lie ever. We either want them back, cringe at the thought of them ever coming near us again or want to beat up the new girl they’re smackin’ on. So, I present to you the six different types of ex-boyfriends.
1. The Shudder
You know, the guy who you dated for a while and got so caught up in that you didn’t see just how gross he actually is. Post break-up, everything about him makes you shudder. The little things that you were once crazy about like way he “styles” his hair, that sweatshirt he constantly wears, even the way he drives with both hands on the steering wheel now sends a chill down your spine.
2. The Heartbreaker
Ah yes, we all knew that one guy, notorious for being a troublemaker. Your friends probably warned you about him, seeing all of the sadness and devastation to come but you didn’t listen. He’s probably the cool guy on campus: sexy, sweet, and in all honesty shallow. You thought things were blissfully happy, and all of a sudden he was gone, like the ice cream in your freezer after the break up. After dating him you probably gained five to six pounds from all of the chocolate and chips and cookie dough you consumed. Not a fun time.
3.The Transformer
So you dated or had a thing or talked or whatever people are calling it these days. He was cute, you had fun together, he met your family, but something wasn’t there so you broke it off. You run into him a few weeks later and almost spit out your food because he suddenly got so hot. You try and remember if he had been so attractive during your relationship, and if he had been where your head was, but now you can’t keep your eyes off of him. If you tried to go back to him now, he would know that it’s because of his recently overwhelmingly good looks. So now you must hang your head and walk away because you said goodbye to someone who somehow transformed overnight.
4. The Beggar
There’s always that one guy, oh goodness, that one guy who constantly, no matter how many times you say no, begs you to get back together with him. You could brand him and kick him down a flight of stairs and the poor kid still wouldn’t know that you wouldn’t take him back even if he paid you. This is the sad guy who can’t move on because he is so convinced that you two are going to get married, when you’ve already forgotten, or are trying to, who he is. He begs you day in, day out to get back together with him and oh look! That’s probably him now.
5. The Downgrader
You hear rumors that your now ex-boyfriend is dating this girl, or talking to that girl, or that he kissed this one girl at that one party. But then one day you are scrolling through Instagram and you see it. A picture of him and some new girl draped around each other, posted with the same caption he used when y’all first started dating. Suddenly you find yourself throwing your head back, laughing uncontrollably because the guy downgraded. And suddenly all is well in the world and you can rest assured knowing that your ex is in fact, a downgrader.
6. The Reminder
Last but certainly not least, we have The Reminder. These are the best kind of ex-boyfriends to have because they remind you just how awesome life is without him. Because of him you can experience the bliss of being single. You can go out with your friends, not having to report to anyone about where you are, who you’re with, what you’re doing—things your parents made you do in high school. You don’t have to worry about anything or answer to anybody. You can rekindle the friendships that he probably made you cut off at some point in your relationship. You actually have options of who you want to hang out with that weekend! The Reminder shows you how awesome being single is.
So there you have it, the 6 different types of ex-boyfriends. You may have experienced quite a few of these or maybe none. We all claim that we wish the best for our exes, and while on the surface level this may be true, deep down, they will forever be the downgrading, begging, transforming, heartbreaking beggar that will always make you shudder.
