I like to think of myself as a frequent flyer, experienced and well versed in the various facets of air travel. I fly multiple times a year. I always have. Some things change over time. Technology advances, security tightens, but there is one thing that forever stays the same: the people, or more specifically, the small set of incredibly annoying people who are ever-present fixtures of any airport experience. On my recent flight from Winchester, Virginia back home to sunny Los Angeles for spring break, I once again encountered this migraine-inducing cast of characters.
1. The Fashionista
I am all for wanting to look good and wearing what makes you feel good, but the airport is not the place to wear six-inch platform heels and every accessory and piece of jewelry you have in your closet. The Fashionista takes up unnecessary time at security removing all her adornments, and will inevitably set off the alarm anyway, because there is something she forgot to remove.
2. The High Topper
Though similar, this person is a different breed from the Fashionista. The High Topper, as the name suggests, wears high tops to the airport, a bad idea to begin with. This, however, is not the extent of the High Topper’s offense. This person also fails to take the time he has in the slow-moving line at security to remove his situationally impractical footwear. The High Topper waits until he is at the conveyer belt and has loaded all of his carry-on luggage and every other item that needs to go through the x-ray. Then, and only then, does he decide it is time to literally sit down on the ground in front of the rest of the dozens of people waiting in line to painstakingly unlace his shoes.
3. The Brady Bunch
This is not just any large family. Oh, no-- this is the large family that insists on walking five abreast all the way to their flight, essentially running a traffic break far more effectively than any highway patrol officer. It is also important to note that this family likes to mosey, and that doesn’t mean just not hurrying. This family is sauntering, taking a pleasant stroll through the airport, stopping to see the sights in the way of every other human being trying to get to their gate.
4. The Trader
This is the person who asks to switch her aisle seat with your window seat. This is not much of a crime on its own (unless you really love that window seat), but the Trader is then the same person who gets up to go to the bathroom five or six times over the course of the flight, forcing you to get up and stand there in the aisle waiting for her to return. This situation is often made even worse by the appearance of the “fasten seatbelt” sign, which means you have to get up for he Trader, sit back down and fasten your seatbelt so that the flight attendant doesn’t chastise you, then get back up for the Trader to squeeze past you into the window seat that she asked you to give up, leaving your to regret your generosity.
5. The King
Common air-travel courtesy dictates that, on an airplane, your space is your seat. You do not get to lay claim to both armrests, unless it is abundantly clear that the person sitting next to you is not going to use the one between the two of you. You do not get to recline your seat all the way into the lap of the passenger behind you, and you do not get to extend your legs into the legroom of those next to you. The King is so named, because he throws flight etiquette to the wind and treats his seat as a monarch treats his throne, expanding himself to the fullest and forcing those around him to shrink away into the far corners of their seats so as to avoid prolonged physical contact with a complete stranger.
Fly friendly. Be courteous.
