A one-liner that leaves your audience in laughter or pondering what the hell you just said. That is the definition of a "Gary-ism." Back on Long Island, I work for a private golf course in the Hamptons and my boss is a southern man by the name of Gary Smith. Gary is from Illinois, so he has a very distinct accent and a very out-of-the-box personality. I've worked at the course for two years and everyday I can honestly say I've heard a Gary-ism. Here are the ten best, starting from number ten:
10. "Thanks for being you."
Probably one of the first things Gary says to you when you start working for him. Around 5 p.m. every night, Gary goes into his house, which is located literally 20 feet from the golf course, and every night he says to anyone who's working, "thanks for being you." It's his way of saying keep up the good work and thank you, I think.
9. "We're going to detail some wagons and put some water in the batteries."
This day makes you question why you work there. Every time the club hosts a huge tournament over the weekend, the following Monday the course is closed until 10 a.m. Every one is excited because they get to sleep in late and then Gary comes out of his house and makes you come in at 7 to "detail" all the golf carts. By detail, he means clean and by clean I mean hose them down. Bottom line: They don't get that clean. Putting water in the batteries is actually very important, but because we do them every three weeks, it gets tedious.
8. "Well the monkey wrapped his tail around a flagpole."
Those are lyrics to some folk song from I'm guessing the 1950's or 60's. It's the song he teaches you when you have to work the driving range to pass time. Do we ever sing it? No, we just laugh and put our headphones in.
7. "You're the captain of this ship now, don't lead us into a pile of s***."
A Gary-ism you only know if you close. Around 5 p.m., Gary will come out of his house after having a few alcoholic beverages and, by a few, I mean way more then a few and he will tell you things he might not sober. This is one of them. It's his way of saying you're in charge.
6. "Never trust a fart."
I think this one is self explanatory.
5. "Welcome to camp driving range! I'm Gary I'll be your camp counselor."
When you're younger, before you're older enough to spend your summers working, you usually go to a summer camp. There are 14-year-old who work with us and they are beginning this transition. So every summer, after school lets out and the kids come to work, Gary says this line.
4. "Pick up every last ball."
When you work the driving range, your job is to pick up all the balls members hit. Sometimes it can get lonely and boring, but there are always balls that need to be picked up. To get the range workers to stay at the range, he tells them to pick up every last ball. And you better make it look like you did because he will come over and check.
3. "Check In!"
No matter where you are or what you're doing, if Gary needs you that moment he will yell in that classic Illinois accent, "Hey, check in!" It means get over here and usually it's followed by an annoying task that needs to be done, but probably not at that exact moment.
2. "There's a white duck in a flock of brown geese."
Around sunset, there is a flock of geese that wander from the 18th hole to the 2nd hole and eat the seed put down by golfers. For some odd reason, a white duck follows them. For months we didn't know what Gary was talking about when he said "there's a white duck in a flock of brown geese." We thought it was a weird metaphor we didn't understand. There's actually a white duck in a flock of brown geese.
1. "Alex is too long, I'm gonna call you Max."
If you haven't figured it out yet, Gary is crazy. A good kind of crazy, but nevertheless crazy. He gives everyone a nickname, as most places do. The difference with his nicknames is that he actually thinks that's your name. First day on the job I tell him my name is Alex, but people call me Timmy. He answered with "Alex is too long, you look like a Max to me, so I'm gonna call you Max." It was my first day working for this guy, so I just said okay. Fast-forward two years later, to the present, and he still calls me Max, but I now get the "Maximillion" or "Maximus" nickname. Which negates his reasoning for calling me Max in the first place.
Gary Smith is a one of a kind man. Yes, I'm making fun of him in a way, but it's nothing he hasn't heard before and honestly I wouldn't want to work for anyone else. The job isn't hard and working with all your friends is the best, but Gary makes the job. It's an adventure because you never know what he's going to tell you to do or what he's going to say. He makes me enjoy spending five days a week in the summer at the Westhampton Country Club.
