Depression.
It isn't a pretty word. With it, it carries so much pain and loss and emotion for so many people today. I know because I lived through it.
It all started my seventh grade year. I had never exactly been the most popular guy, I was the nerdy, heavy kid who had never had a girlfriend. I was a super talkative person. I answered questions out loud in class, tried to tell jokes, and was kind to everyone.
Then the teasing started. Some of the football players decided it would be funny to call me names whenever they passed me in the hallway. After they started doing it, so did their friends, and the friends of those friends. Soon all of the "cool kids" were in on it. Then the physical torture started. In passing I was shoved against the wall or tripped. My binders would be thrown to the ground or they would slap the back of my neck as hard as they could. A few times, they jumped me in the breezeway and shoved me to the ground and kicked me until I cried.
Every day they called me a "fat fag" until it wore down my self-esteem to nothing. No girls would talk to me because they thought I was gay and disgusting. I lost a lot of friends. Some of them even joined in on the bullying. This went on everyday for two years.
By the time i got to high school I was at my wit's end.
I hated myself and everything about me. I hated how girls wouldn't give me any attention, and how the populars hated me for no reason. Then I decided to do something. I faked my happiness. I pretended to be okay with all of this. I decided to fake being okay with the public humiliation and the defamation of my character. I faked my entire personality. I started acting like I was tough and I could take this. I pretended so much that I believed it.
People often ask about what depression feels like. It feels like the darkest night of your life with no light visible. It feels like you're at the bottom of a pit, clawing your way up only to slip and fall. It makes you hate yourself when you have no reason to. You don't want to exist. You don't want to breath. You want to fall asleep at night and never wake up. Those people made me feel that way.
It got better. You might not believe me but it did. I had people who saw through my mask and decided that enough was enough. They confronted all of my bullies. They supported me and loved me when I felt like I could never be loved. I got better. I started changing myself for the better. Instead of telling myself I would amount to nothing, I said I would change the world. Instead of refusing to look at my reflection, I faced myself. Instead of hating myself for what I didn't have, I started loving myself for what I did.
It wasn't easy. I still struggle and have days where it comes back, but it doesn't stay for long. I push back the darkness with my light. I chase away death with an overcoming love of life.
To those that are struggling, you are not alone. People have been where you are, I have been where you are, and we survived. It may take some time, but things do get better. The Lord has a funny way of turning things around, and He will. I love all of you.
