Who is the girl we all aspire to be? The perfectly fit, happy, healthy, and popular girl? The girl with no bad reputation, no drama, and the perfect life? I hate to break your dreams and aspirations, but that girl does not exist.
If she does, I am sick of aspiring to be her. Why do we strive for perfection in a world that is so far from that itself? We live in mess and chaos. Why not start to be okay with it?
I had a plan. I lost my balance and focus. I followed instructions and just got completely lost along the way. The endless thoughts ran through my mind. I was not good enough, strong enough, confident enough, I was not enough.
My coping mechanisms failed me. Suddenly nothing was right and nothing was working. I had no idea what to do. I am only upset at one thing. One person: myself.
But why?
Because I tried and failed. Because my social life is constantly changing and never fully secure. Because I have had moments of being a total psychopath. I find one thing to be upset about and then just throw in 300 other things. I am sick of feeling bad for myself. I had a moment. I messed up. Time to start crawling up the ladder again.
I am attempting to feel comfortable with the uncomfortable.
The girl we all want to be is bullshit.
I want to be, I am THAT girl.
The one whose life is shaky. Whose experiences shape me but don't define me. I am that girl. The one who said that one silly thing to that stupid boy.
I am not the girl that plays by the rules. I am that girl who goes on tangents, tries to be different way too often, fights and fails for love and says things I probably should not say out loud. I am learning to not only embrace the quirks but also work on the bad. We are human. We are supposed to make mistakes.
I have felt alone. So, so, so alone. So sad. The constant thought of why did I do this? It could've been easy. But nothing in life is easy. My not-so-easy experiences in life have helped me grow into who I am now. I think I'm currently in my mid-life crisis and trying to figure out exactly who it is I am, but I can tell you one thing: I am not ashamed. I know there are people in my life who want nothing to do with me, I know I have made enemies. I am learning. I am 20.
We put this immense amount of pressure, or at least I do, on ourselves to succeed in everything -- friends, school, activities, exercise, fashion, life. I simply can not get an A+ in all of these subjects, and I am sick of assuming I can. It only makes me feel worse. It is nice to be in the comfort zone of life, but we can live there forever.
I am proud of the fact that my reputation is not perfect, that I have done bad things, wrong things. I have made bad, detrimental, and absurd decisions in my 20 years of living. I guess I'm not thrilled about all of them, but I'm starting to understand that it is okay. No one cares, and if they do, they are just as lost in their life as I am in mine.
Being that girl has taught me to be okay with being lost. I am not ready to be found, I am learning -- a lot.
