With Thanksgiving only days away, many of us will get to go home to our friends and family to celebrate together and share each other's company. In observance of America's hungriest holiday, I have compiled a list of things you must do before the week comes to a close. To be completed hastily but not necessarily in order...
1. Walk in the house and immediately be met with slobbery dogs, infants, and relatives spewing veiled political jargon
2. Smell delicious food
3. Listen to your mom cook delicious food for more guests than originally anticipated, triggering a mental breakdown because she "doesn't understand why nobody is helping her"
4. Explain to mom that you have offered multiple times
5. Watch mom throw up her hands covered in turkey drippings and hurriedly run around you because "oh my god the pies, the pies"
6. Listen to the harmonious transition of the most elderly of your relatives' comments from "playfully" racist to blatantly racist over the course of the night
7. Witnessing as a screaming match between your siblings over the last slice of pie slowly turns physical ,thinking to yourself "wow what fat asses"
8. Suddenly realize you yourself want the pie so decide to join in on the screaming
9. Mentally keeping tabs on the number of glasses of wine your aunt has consumed....10?
10. Listening to her justify a little too loudly by saying "what a glass of red...good for your heart". Followed by your uncle breathily saying "yeah a glass not twelve"
11. Commence the multi generational dad jokes about "elastic waist bands" being needed at Thanksgiving
12. Sneaking as many pieces of turkey as you can to your dog under the table "because she's just so cute" without your mom seeing
13. Your siblings, unbeknownst to you, have been doing the same thing. Your dog pukes in the foyer and your mom cleans it up, grumbling because she "just doesn't understand why she has to do everything around this house"
14. Sitting at the adult's table and hearing your dad's obligatory "welcome to the big leagues" comment, which is immediately answered with your aunt's tipsy finger guns
15. Your aunt starts on the story you've heard a million times about "that one time when you were three years old", which you will assure her she has told you already. And she will say "no I haven't are you sure?" Only to tell it again the next year with "have I told you about that time".
16. Your dad makes a dumb joke about how "Bob Evan's turkey is the best", which is met with an audible sigh from your mom who takes it way too personally and starts silently and angrily cleaning up the table.
17. Taking the final bite of your last slice of pie (for now), unbuttoning your pants, and descending into a tryptophan fueled nap of mythical proportions.
18. Your family does the same around you and you realize you have never heard them be this silent, so you laugh to yourself. Your uncle snores like a bear that was shot in the ass with a tranquilizer dart and shatters the silence. You laugh again.
19. Waking up from your nap and for a minute, questioning reality as the turkey hangover sets in.
20. Wishing that calories didn't count on holidays.
Remember what's important this holiday season. Turkey, political debates, family, TV, dumb jokes, and also remember to help your mom because she "just wishes you and your siblings would be grateful for everything she does". I am so appreciative of you, Mom. Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!
