I'm not sure what I should put out into the world this week. I went home for Thanksgiving for the first time in two years. It was nice. We didn't talk about politics, we didn't stop to take pictures, we didn't argue. We cooked, cleaned, and complained until we could finally eat, and then we talked, laughed, and listened. All of my (legal) siblings were in one place and it was really nice. But this holiday, given it's history and the state of our country today, is a hard one for me to celebrate.
I'm tempted to write about my time home: how much I loved it, how grateful I am for it, and my dread for the return to academia. But I can't stop thinking about the people we all owe our respect and gratitude to. I can't stop thinking about the people out at Standing Rock and the people who have been pushed aside and walked over since the "discovery" of this continent. I wish that I could wipe away all the wrong that has ever been done in this world. I thought I would wish that I could return to a state of complete innocence—of ignorance. But instead I wish for ignorance to come undone. I wish for opened eye and a willingness to receive a new view of the world. I find myself praying for love and for this world to end. I don't pray for peace or for our human hands to fix this world. I pray for a new one; I pray for endurance; I pray for those who love to love completely and love until the end. I pray to be sustained.
My life feels so small in all of this, and I can't stop thinking about what my role is here, what's best for me, and what's expected of me. I can't stop thinking about my next move, about my homework, my future, and my friends. How my moments effect this world. I celebrate Thanksgiving because I grateful for where I am and all that I have and some things I don't have. I grateful for life and the chance to grow. I'm grateful for a break and the knowledge of my savior's return. I've got a lot on my mind this week. I'm heartbroken but full of hope. I'm a bit of an internal mess, but learning. I'm grateful, but I'm tired.
