Thank you, Dad.

Thank you for breaking my heart at such a young age. Thank you for making it hard for me to love and be loved by a man. Thank you for giving me serious trust issues. Thank you for filling my heart with nothing but pain and anger. Thank you for making me doubt God. Thank you for all the hours I have to sit in therapy. Thank you for all the nights I cry myself to sleep. Thank you for making mom drink her pain away. Thank you for making me face the funeral alone. Thank you for taking my little brother away from me. Thank you for walking away from me. Thank you for making me a foster child. But most of all, thank you for making me feel like I'm not worthy of love.2

When a child grows up without a father, there is an empty place where someone must stand. Someone to provide an example of character and confidence. Typically, this leads to searching, searching for someone to fill this void. The love she didn't receive from her father will become a need, an addiction. A craving that only a man can cure. For me, it was the complete opposite. I don't crave the love of a man, because I am too busy questioning their every move. It has got to the point where I go completely out of my way so I don't ever have to be alone with them. I have trust issues with guys I have never met before. Because thanks to you, I fear them.

You broke my heart way before any man had the chance to. You were supposed to protect me from that. Now I beg for a man to get close enough to break it, close enough to make me feel something again. Maybe then, they will be the one to cause my tears, because you don't deserve them. Maybe then, they will be the focus of my dreams, because you don't deserve them. Maybe then, when I hear certain songs, smell certain scents, remember certain memories, they'll be the reason I feel my heart shatter. Because you don't deserve any of that anymore. You never did.

There is a question that has burned itself into my soul: if my own father, who created me, didn't love me enough to stick around, or to fight for me, then how could any other man? I have moved past this silly fear of men, but I still cant get past the fear of myself. The fear that I will continue to push away every male figure or relationship opportunity that comes my way. I don't even know I'm doing it until they're long gone, it happens subconsciously. I hope for someone who fights back, who refuses to leave. I know I deserve to be loved unconditionally, my new family has taught me this. They have taught me how to love and more importantly, how to be loved.

I can't say you never did anything for me, because you have shown me that blood is indeed thinner than water. But without your decisions, without you dad... I wouldn't be the woman I am today. Whether I like to admit it or not, you have molded me.

So, let's try this again.

Thank you, Dad.

Thank you for making me strong. Thank you for making it easy to live without needing the appreciation of a man. Thank you for making me think twice when someone says "trust me." Thank you for giving me the story and experience to help the people with depression and anxiety. Thank you for teaching me therapy is good, that's where I learned to write my feelings on paper.

Thank you for giving me the skill to channel my anger for God's glory. Thank you for teaching me how a man should treat his wife, I have high standards. Thank you for showing me that the greatest thing a father can do for his daughter is love her mother. Thank you for teaching me that with God, I will always be daddy's little girl. Thank you for putting me in the foster system, I found a family that won't leave me. Thank you for showing me how a father shouldn't love their daughter, because I promise my daughter will be adored by hers. But most of all, thank you for allowing me to feel sadness during my childhood so in my future I'll know what true happiness feels like.

So thank you, Dad. Thank you for not loving me.