Families. We all have 'em. If you're of Italian descent, chances are your extended family plays a major role in your life, even though half the time you can't keep track of them all. (According to my roommate, I once said, "I can't remember if Paisano is my dad's cousin or the pizza place down the street.") Here are ten experiences all of us with multi-syllabic last names ending in a vowel can relate to.
1. Your house has two volumes: loud and louder. To be fair, when twenty people are crowded into a single kitchen, it's hard to keep the noise level down. But it would help if those twenty people didn't all shout and wave their hands at the same time.
2. Your grandfather, uncle, and three of your cousins all have the same name. Bonus points if that name is either Salvatore or Gaetano.
3. Your Nonna shows her love by feeding you. As soon as you walk in the door, she yells at you for being too skinny, sits you down at the table, and doesn't let you up until you've had three servings. Her food is amazing. You complain halfheartedly anyway.
4. There are no limits to your extended family. Grand-nieces-in-law, third cousins twice removed: you might not know who they are or how exactly they're related to you, but they're there at every wedding and funeral, telling you how big you've gotten. Don't worry if you don't remember their names. Just smile and roll with it.
5. You've mastered the art of the double-cheek kiss. That is, brushing cheeks lightly while making smooching noises: no actual lip-to-skin contact required. Useful when you have to kiss two hundred people at a family gathering during flu season.
6. Other people eat to live - you live to eat. Meals are a major event, a time to socialize and savor the food. A common topic of conversation around the lunch table is "What should we have for dinner?"
7. You eat bread with olive oil at every meal. Butter is an acceptable substitute, if you're starving. On occasion, you will find yourself at a restaurant that doesn't offer a basket of free, fresh-baked bread before the meal. This is not a real restaurant. Leave as quickly as possible.
8. You're personally offended by cream-filled cannolis. Why don't you just fill them with cool whip? #goricottaorgohome
9. You have no secrets. Got your first boyfriend? Dropped out of college? Working as a spy for the CIA? You can guarantee all of your aunts will know about it by next week. (They'll be most concerned about the boyfriend, for what it's worth. "When are you getting married?")
10. You have a group of unshakable supporters. Things can get hectic in an Italian family, but when push comes to shove, there's no one more loyal. While neighbors move and friendships fall by the wayside, I'll always have thirty-five cousins to watch my back and beat up anyone who looks at me funny. Just kidding...mostly.
