First let me start by saying I was never the type of person who dreamed of getting married, let alone marrying young. I grew up with a single mother. I was never afraid of being alone, and I was never going to compromise who I was, my values, or my goals just to avoid being alone.
I know I got lucky being able to find the right person for me so early in life and that the feeling was mutual.
Continuing to making it work with that person, however, is still hard work every day, but I wouldn't have it any other way.
Although we've been married three years, because I look so young I still face all the same questions. I will likely continue to face them until I approach my thirties. The first question, of course, is always
1. Are you pregnant/do you have kids?
(Depends on how recently you're married which you'll get.)
Because when you marry young, people assume it was to make an unplanned pregnancy "right." The problem with this is it always somehow seems to imply the relationship is lesser if this was the case. A relationship is what you make of it, regardless of the traditions followed and broken or the order of events.
Other times people are just curious or maybe they would understand marrying young more if kids were involved but struggle to understand it if not for kids.
2. How long have you been married? How long did you date and live together before getting married?
Because how long we previously dated and or lived together will determine just how naive and impulsive I will be in your eyes, and if we haven't been married long yet, then you reserve the right to wait for the inevitable early divorce. Come on, now.
Maturity does not come with an age requirement. Some people grow up at a young age due to circumstances, and others act like children even when they are 40 years old.
Now this is not always the case, sometimes people are just curious. Other times people worry about their own relationships and are comparing my time line to theirs. It's not something that should be compared though, because we have different circumstances and lead different lives.
I'm not religious so we did live together prior to marriage. People usually figure this out and don't make the assumption they make with my religious married friends which is that they married in order to be able to live together and have sex which is often followed by the assumption that the couple will be unable to work through possible incompatibilities related to living together and sex.
Compatibility is very important, and ideally if people have made it to engagement they have already determined there are no deal breakers. What is most important is the ability to talk to one another and work together to make sure both people are happy. If both people are willing to be considerate and work on having a mutually beneficial life together, they can overcome most problems (key point is if they want to and try).
3. You are going to finish college right?
(They tend to only ask the woman this.)
This isn't the 1950s. I can be married without leaving school to pop out a few babies and college wasn't just somewhere I went until I could find a guy to settle down with. Some woman are still like that, yes. So I understand the question, but I still get annoyed by it.
4. When are you going to have kids?
(Comes after "are you pregnant/already have kids" is answered with no.)
I don't know? When we are out of college. When I am financial stable. When I feel like it. I didn't get married just so I could have babies, and just as I wasn't the type to fantasize about getting married, I never fantasized about having babies.
When are you going to have kids, and if you already have kids why do you care when I pop one out exactly?
Babies are expensive, require a lot of energy, and time. Also, its not like most careers or college programs are family/baby friendly. I know you are likely just curious but when I feel like having kids, trust me I'll let you know. So please feel free to stop asking.
5. Aren't you going to miss being single and seeing other people?
Being single can be great (and it can suck, depends). I was single most of high school. I already had time to myself, and got to know myself.
I don't need the excitement of dating new people (and if I remember correctly, often the initial excitement lead to being disappointed once I got to know the person.)
I'm happy with the person I have. I think its nice to be able to come home to the same person who knows me, loves me, and supports me.
If I want to meet new people I can do it by making friends rather than going on dates.
6. Don't you get bored or tired of being around the same person all the time?
Every couple reaches that point where you know almost everything about them, and there aren't major new things to learn. But I love the person, not the excitement they bring to my life, and there is a difference.
I also wouldn't have gotten married if I couldn't be around the person 24/7 without getting tired of it. Of course we like having space and time to ourselves, but there is a difference between comfortable space to yourself and needing to get out of the house because you can't stand to be around the person for more than so many hours.
7. How did you get a guy to propose?
(For guys, they ask how did you propose and why did you decide to get married.)
I didn't do anything special to get a proposal out of a guy. We were both already committed and loved each other in the same way. Not everyone is ready to commit and if they aren't ready, there is nothing you can do to make them.
We talked about it and the pros and cons of waiting versus marrying. Marrying made sense for us. If waiting makes sense, that is fine too.
It is important to either be on the same page, or to be able to wait for the other to catch up (if you are sure they actually will catch up to you.) What you decide to do when you are in a relationship in which both people aren't on the same page, never will be, or aren't able to work as a team is up to you.
8. Did you have a ceremony or did you elope?
(What people assume ^ and then often think it is somehow lesser.)
I never fantasized about a wedding. I got married because I wanted a life with that person. I didn't get married just for the wedding party or because I wanted to get married.
I had a small ceremony. We had a limited budget marrying young. But you know what would have happened if I'd married at 30 with a bigger budget? I would have had a small ceremony with only a few people. There are only a few changes I would have made to my wedding (more pictures, possibly on a beach, and to be able to afford a honeymoon), and I'm saving those for when we renew our vows.
But the point should really be that it doesn't matter how a person got married. The wedding doesn't determine the quality of the marriage.
Chandler Bing: [I didn't think about a wedding. I thought about] stuff like where we'd live, like a small place outside the city where our kids can learn to ride their bikes and stuff and we'd have a cat with a bell on its collar and we can hear it every time it ran through the kitty door then we'd have an apartment over the garage where Joey can grow old.
Monica Geller: I don't want a big fancy wedding anymore.
Chandler Bing: Sure you do.
Monica Geller: No, I want everything you just said. I want a marriage.
9. So like, what do you do now for fun?
Inevitably, some single friends assume getting married means you no longer have immature, silly, fun times.
We still go on road trips, vacations, and we goof off. We intend to visit other countries, and move to whole new cities, but we want to do it together. Not because we are codependent or afraid of being alone but because everything is more fun with the other by our side.
We still have friends and hang out with people. We prefer to hang out with people together but we can go off and do our own thing too.
We don't do the wild party scenes, but we didn't like those even when we were single. If you aren't ready to give up dating, your "freedom," and partying, that is fine, but realize your lifestyle isn't for everyone.
What about X,Y, Z thing most people want to do?
Marriage does not have to mean giving up traveling to another country, road trips, vacations, or parties (the parties just stop being about finding a date or person to sleep with since you already have one). Even having kids doesn't mean giving these things up. It just means you make some alterations, and sometimes its even more fun that way.
10. What if you guys change or grow apart?
People change and people grow, but that doesn't mean people have to grow apart. Love is about every day little things that make you fall in love with the person all over again. For better or for worse, it is an every day choice to work on remaining close. It is possible to grow together and stay happily together through healthy communication and teamwork.
For us, marrying young worked out. We talked about what we wanted and realized we didn't want a fancy, expensive wedding, being together would actually help our college and life goals more than harm it, we already knew ourselves, and we were confident that if we started to want to go in different directions we could find a way to make it work by taking turns in who makes the sacrifice and we would make sure not to resent one another. We live and work as a team.
Everyone has fears and reasons to wait such as waiting for more money to have a special wedding party, waiting to graduate from college to be sure you both are going in the same direction, or waiting until you find yourself. It is okay to wait, but recognize that there will always be reasons to wait.
People waiting for everything to line up just right and be perfect:
After three years, however, I also have some benefits to share for marrying young. There was less baggage from previous relationships, it was easier to combine our lives, and there were fewer bad habits and built up anger from living with other people.
We've been able to share, and will continue to share major milestones together and grow together. I'm very confident we will last, but if something happens in the future and our marriage implodes so spectacularly it can't be pieced back together again, I still won't regret the decision. I went into this for better or for worse.
And as the years pass with still no divorce, I can be like this to the haters:
