Pull out those bathing suits and welcome summer with fist fulls of sunblock. Set down a pink and white striped beach towel, lay on it, and then throw another one directly over top of you. It's the season pale people grieve the most—summer. Us pale folks can never seem to catch a break as soon as the sun blesses those olive-skin-toned babes and naturally bronzing beauties, and here's why:

1. SPF is more like Sun-Protection-Faulty

Sunscreen... it will help to an extent. That extent being that you apply every hour, lathering vigorously, and reapplying after having sweat and or gone in water. Yet, even with that, the potential for burning is still incredibly high. Which brings me to my next point...

2. That smell? It's probably me

It's sunscreen. Don't go pointing it out. I'm already self-conscious that I smell like a mommy-van full of five-year-olds set for the pool. It also makes me slightly cranky. Woo, go sunscreen.

3. Half the summer I'm peeling

There's nothing more embarrassing than going out to a nice evening dinner and flaking dead skin all over your date. Long sleeves? Give them a try? Well, then you must deal with sweating it up all over your date. There's just no easy middle.

4. I'll wear shirts over bathing suits

I admit that I totally have worn a shirt over my bathing suit for those extra UV kind of days. There I am, amidst every other bikini clad girl, in a freakin' over shirt. How can one compete with that?! You can't! You just can't!

5. I'm a professional shade-finder

If you think you want to have me join in on whimsical summer adventures or spur of the moment outside fun days, you're probably right. If you didn't think you had to take time out of those plans to let me run for cover, well, think again. Shade breaks are a MUST for any pale person.

6. White just never looks good on us pale people

It's practically like we aren't wearing a shirt. Our arms and neck seem to merge with the ending of the fabric in a nasty washed-out blend. I've dreamt of pulling off the whole white-shorts and crop top summer look, but forget it. I'm sorry for this one, Emma Roberts.

7. Red won't turn into tan

The most common thing a pale person will hear is, "Don't worry, that'll just turn into a tan eventually." Lies. LIES, I TELL YOU. This will not turn into a tan. This will turn into a darker pale. Then I'll probably burn again and turn back to red. Then I'll become an even darker pale. I don't tan. Did someone say more sunscreen?

8. Burn, baby, burn

It's inevitable with every stroll down the street. Walking from the parking lot to the store under a clear, sun-filled sky will most likely result in a light sunburn to my forearms and forehead. There's no escaping it. Where there's sun, there's a burn. And where there's a burn, there's me applying Aloe Vera.

9. Tan lines don't live past 24 hours

Don't try to impress me with how much sun you got yesterday and pull your shirt off over your shoulder to show me your tan lines. I really don't care to see them, simply because I won't have anything to offer you back. There's no competition, my friend. Want to see my tank top tan line? Yeah? Well it's called this entire red surface of my backside. So HA. BEAT THAT.

10. Lastly, no one asks where you went over summer

I may have gone to the most tropical, lushly weathered island on the planet for the duration of my entire summer, but you wouldn't ever think to ask. No one ever does.

Basically, there are plenty of reasons as to why I prefer the cold. Jokes on y'all—I basically won't ever have wrinkles. So have fun with that!