To me, this is about what I experienced after taking over a year off from cheerleading, my favorite sport since I was five years old. To you, the reader, it could be about anything. But to all of us, it’s about losing something — a relationship, an ability, a passion — and then finding it again.
You're going to be nervous. In fact, you might even be so terrified that you begin to second-guess your decision. For some, this nervousness may last for weeks, and that is totally OK and normal. For others, me included, it will disintegrate almost immediately. The first time I stepped back onto a cheer mat, I ceased being worried and thought, I will never be as able as I am today, and I'm not going to waste it.
You might wonder why you ever left. When I initially quit, I thought that it was the best decision I could possibly make. I began to resent practices and had more and more trouble each week getting myself to go to tumbling and technique classes. But even just a few short months into my “time off,” as I'm now calling it, I missed it. I would see other people enjoying themselves so thoroughly and began to have a hollow feeling in my chest that can only be produced when a big piece of your life is missing.
You'll realize that you always had time. In my last few months of high school, I was constantly convincing myself that I didn't have time to go to extra classes and clinics, that I was too busy. A few months before I officially decided to get back into cheerleading, I was itching to step foot on a blue mat, but I had told myself that I couldn't find time to make it work. In May, when it became clear that I wouldn’t be fully happy if I didn't return to the sport, I was able to find time right away. It helps that tumbling doesn’t involve a huge time commitment — just 30 or 60 minutes minimum — but even if going back meant immediately signing up for a six-hour clinic, I would've been able to make it happen.
You'll be frustrated. Some things won't come as easily anymore. I remember seeing stars during a warmup that would have barely phased me only 12 months prior. Immediately I thought, Sh*t, can I really do this? But it gets easier every week, even now as I'm pushing my body to do things it’s never done before. Part of this is physical — I always worked out during my time off, but there are some muscles that are worked much more during tumbling than they are while running — but I think that a large part of it has to do with my mental comfort. I stopped doubting myself, not because I knew I could do things, but because I knew that telling myself I couldn’t was useless.
You'll realize that you've changed. This doesn’t have to be a bad thing. When I attended my first tumbling class after my time off, I tried to go into it with an open mind. I knew that I might not feel the same spark that I felt a year ago, and I tried to prepare myself in case in that hour I realized that I didn’t belong there, and that I didn’t actually want to go back. Instead, I discovered how much deeper my love for the sport was than I had originally thought. I realized that even as athletes and coaches change as individuals, the mutual respect and care will always remain. As much as the details of our lives change, there are certain things that we learn to expect.
Finally, and perhaps most importantly, you’ll realize what you want. It might be completely different from what you once thought it was. You might understand that you were chasing the wrong things, or your beliefs and desires might become legitimized. Regardless, if you’re going back to something, you’re lucky enough to have done so while you still could.
