The bright front you try to put on, doesn't get rid of how bad you really feel. Much like the dandelion may do all it wants to look like a flower, but will always be a weed.
The worst part of thinking you are okay is when you realize you aren't. The past school year and maybe longer than that, I've thrived on staying busy. I guess the busy was to distract myself. I don't know what all exactly lead up to my realization, but I'm glad I made it here. Truth be told I was on medication for anxiety and depression. Somewhere along the way, I felt fine. My thoughts were that if I feel fine, I can stop taking it. Well, that went well while I was burning energy on a thousand other things, but when life slowed down - it fell apart.
I went through a lot of tears in the span of one day, but I also sat down and talked to someone I trust. We talked about the fact that there is a lot going on, and even if there weren't my emotions would still be valid. We talked about the highs and lows and how I burn through them rather quickly. I cried and she listened and we reached a conclusion. I need to start taking my meds again. I'm not happy with it, but I'm willing because I've seen more of who I am without them and this person is someone I don't always enjoy. I get angry fast and sad even faster. I feel out of control of my own emotions and it's time to get that back.
There are a few things I need to remind myself on this new trip. Taking these pills will NOT make me any less of a person. I will not LOSE the ability to feel, I will just feel in a way that is healthier. I'm not weak for this decision, I just need the help. Along with going back to medication, I need to remind myself of other things too. I need to breathe. I need to be a healthier me. If I'm going to change for the better, I need to work for it. So, I guess another journey begins here.