When The Front You Put Up Isn't Enough

The worst part of thinking you are okay is when you realize you aren't. The past school year and maybe longer than that, I've thrived on staying busy. I guess the busy was to distract myself. I don't know what all exactly lead up to my realization, but I'm glad I made it here. Truth be told I was on medication for anxiety and depression. Somewhere along the way, I felt fine. My thoughts were that if I feel fine, I can stop taking it. Well, that went well while I was burning energy on a thousand other things, but when life slowed down - it fell apart.

I went through a lot of tears in the span of one day, but I also sat down and talked to someone I trust. We talked about the fact that there is a lot going on, and even if there weren't my emotions would still be valid. We talked about the highs and lows and how I burn through them rather quickly. I cried and she listened and we reached a conclusion. I need to start taking my meds again. I'm not happy with it, but I'm willing because I've seen more of who I am without them and this person is someone I don't always enjoy. I get angry fast and sad even faster. I feel out of control of my own emotions and it's time to get that back.

There are a few things I need to remind myself on this new trip. Taking these pills will NOT make me any less of a person. I will not LOSE the ability to feel, I will just feel in a way that is healthier. I'm not weak for this decision, I just need the help. Along with going back to medication, I need to remind myself of other things too. I need to breathe. I need to be a healthier me. If I'm going to change for the better, I need to work for it. So, I guess another journey begins here.