You wake up in the middle of the night to find your body covered in sweat; and this time it’s not because you wore your Harambe costume to bed. You’re out of breath and can feel the anxiety gripping your lungs. You rapidly look around the room. “Okay, okay it was just a bad dream”. You check your phone and see the most disturbing thing since you watched Melania Trump’s speech; indeed, your alarm is set to 7:00 AM. No. No! this can’t be real. You thought it was just a nightmare. It’s mid-July!! Why would you ever get up at 7:00 AM over the summer?! It can’t be real. But it is. Cue sad violin, tears, and a ridiculous amount of cute dog videos from Facebook because the inevitable has taken over. You. Are. An. Adult.
When I was younger, I used to think about my 21-year-old self as a full on adult. I imagined I would have a real person job with a real person husband and have everything figured out. As time has passed, I have come to realize people aren’t fully an adult by their early 20s however, I did think I would be further ahead than I am now (sorry old self).
When I hit my early 20s, the word ‘adult’ turned into an invasive species of sorts. Something that was foreign, yet too close, and began to contaminate my personal environment faster than I expected. To find out if you are infected, see if you are exhibiting these 5 symptoms of The Adult.
1. You actually know how much money you have and attempt to budget it.
The days of asking for 20 bucks to go to the movies with your friends are over. A $5.00 coffee actually feels like a $5.00 coffee (and suddenly stops tasting like one). Saying no to shopping or going out to eat starts becoming as easy as saying “I’m tired”. And doing the “whip” becomes a legitimate past-time simply because it’s free.
2. When you stop listening to Seventeen Magazine’s love advice.
Wait so he won’t fall in love with me if I condition my hair with egg and avocado 10 nights in row?! Ugh. I know, this one is hard to accept. But let’s be real, those quizzes that determined our kissing ability based on our favorite color gauchos were not completely valid. Now guys only seem to really like you if you’re smart, athletic, a Victoria’s Secret model, a football fanatic, have 5 boobs, are part puppy, and the list goes on. Boy do I miss the days when I thought putting condiments on my face would score me the love of my life.
3. You begin to only make Spongebob references in front of your closest friends.
This one hits home for me, and is truly my saddest realization. When people stop laughing and start judging when you ask, “Is mayonnaise an instrument?”, it really hits you that people expect you to act normal now. But no matter how many years pass, 25 will always be funnier than 24 and I remain ugly and proud.
4. You begin to send more emails than texts.
I am far from satisfied that writing subject lines are now easier than writing tweets. So many pinned emails, but who you callin’ a pinhead? Long gone are the days from freshman year when I would re-read my emails before sending them to my professors. But look on the bright side, as millennials, at least we’re good at emails and texting, unlike Hillary Clinton who has yet to master either.
5. It is becoming increasingly unacceptable to say “I don’t know” when asked about your future.
Freshman year of college:
Parent/professor/upperclassmen: “So what do you want to do after undergrad?”
You: “Oh, uhm, I’m not really sure yet.”
Parent/professor/upperclassmen: “That’s totally fine, I don’t even know what I want to do when I grow up! Haha. [this joke is never funny, but people keep saying it, I don’t know why.] But no worries you still have a lot of time”
Junior year of college:
Parent/teacher/upperclassmen/ EVERYONE BECAUSE PEOPLE SUCK: “So what do you want to do once you graduate?”
You: “Yea, uh, I’m not really sure.”
The annoying person that should probably go mind their own business: *judgmental look* “Oh, well, I’m sure you’ll figure it out”.
Thanks that was such an encouraging, uplifting, and not stressful conversation person I want to punt! Okay, that may be a tad aggressive, but the truth is, I just want to go home and watch a Disney Channel original movie about leprechaun basketball players and call it a day. Instead, I have to study hard, plan my future, and simultaneously convince myself I like Frank Ocean’s new album so I appear cultured.
Hopefully you all exhibit at least 3 of these signs of The Adult, because misery loves company, and millennials love cats. Happy adulting!
