​Swingin’ Toward Vegan: Cold Tofurkey
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​Swingin’ Toward Vegan: Cold Tofurkey

A Humorous Guide For Going Vegan Today!

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​Swingin’ Toward Vegan: Cold Tofurkey
Save The Kales

Whether you’re swingin’, or, well, just taking a short stride toward the enchanted waters of veganism, look no further than this heart-stopping, gut-bursting, snot-dripping telling of one woman’s transition. Now, of course it would only be right of me to tell you exactly what the denotation of vegan is. No, it’s not to describe some elitist cult founded by eccentric free-spirits that decided they were too ‘cool’ to conform with the diets of their friends and neighbors. Veganism is described as a way of living which seeks to exclude, as far as is possible and practicable, all forms of exploitation of, and cruelty to, animals for food, clothing, or any other purpose. Okay, so now you know. And yes, eggs, milk, honey, fish, and meat are all out of the picture for a participant of this cruelty-free lifestyle. Many also abstain from purchasing anything tested on or made with animal ingredients that, as based on the definition, contribute to the exploitation of animals. In essence, a vegan's ultimate goal is to completely annihilate any harm toward sentient beings of any sort.

Finding your reason for going vegan is the most crucial step of the transition.

This is the intangible harness that will keep your motivation pumping and remind you of your moral obligations. Through research, you may find a copious supply of articles supporting the switch to an animal-free diet. If reading isn’t your cup of tea, eye-opening documentaries could be the perfect way to expand your way of thinking. The most popular of these movies are Forks Over Knives, Vegucated, and Earthlings. Among these, Earthlings is the most graphic and impactful production, while Forks Over Knives leans more toward the health benefits, and Vegucated discusses almost all the viable reasons for veganism. Ultimately, the most common among motives are for the sake of the animals, for the well-being of the planet, or for personal health. No matter the basis, all are equally important and appropriate.

While researching, you may find information along the lines of the abuses in factory farming, health studies proving the benefits of a plant-based diet, and reasons why the meat industry is the largest contributing factor to methane emissions and global warming.

If at the start of your vegan investigation you believe that the milk industry is some animal oasis where the cows sing “Kumbaya” as they are milked, you may discover a different depiction. If you believe that the honey company is this sweet, innocent Winnie-the-Pooh episode, guess again after you read the harsh truth. Even ‘free-range’ doesn’t mean what you think. Search ‘Cage-Free’/‘Free-Range’ and you’ll see that these hens come from the same hatcheries that battery hens come from. All of their brothers (roosters) are killed by suffocation or by being ground up alive. The girls themselves endure the same bodily manipulations and mutilations as caged hens, and they all ultimately end up at the same slaughterhouses when their ‘production’ declines. Although all of our lives we have been brainwashed into believing that animals live on these cute little farms in someone’s backyard, we have been deceived. As soon as the veil of ignorance is lifted, you begin to see that milk leaches calcium from your bones and in actuality, is associated with osteoporosis. You learn that you are drinking the milk that was meant for her baby calf, who was instead dragged away to a veal crate moments after birth to serve as someone’s dinner. This important step may take some time and tears to get through, but it is vital to understand why others before you have walked this same path.

Now onto a more positive note, joining the world of social media is an effective way to gain support and help from people all around the world who have already ventured into this way of thinking.

Thousands share recipes, tips, and advice, all as a community. Specifically, the best place to join a vegan page is on Facebook. Allow these people to bash you for being naive about this alien lifestyle; it builds character. While you’re on there, enjoy the verbal wrestling match of the comments section, where vegans who all share the same cruelty-free lifestyle will engage in virtual hair tearing, cursing, and full-on cyber bullying. Many pull up a chair with a bowl of popcorn, vegan of course, to enjoy the free show. It’s not always a picnic, but boy, what an education you can receive just by scrolling down your news feed. If humor is more your thing, there’s a vegan page for just that.

The vegan humor page may be a confusing place at first, one where inside jokes are exchanged among veterans, and a berth in which people make fun of meat eaters. Don’t even try to dry chuckle at a joke you don’t understand. Why do people keep posting ‘hail seitan’ propaganda? Well, seitan, in simple terms, is a type of meat alternative that is pronounced just like the devil’s name. Don’t worry about it. It may take time, but for now many of those memes can teach you plenty, but with comedy instead of jam-it-down-your-throat ideology that can come with the territory of a vegan website. Now it’s not to say that vegans are inexplicably rude, but just like with any group of people, they differ in opinions and morals. Comparatively, as we can’t generalize people for race or religion, don’t make an assumption that all vegans are preachy or crazy or tree-huggers. It’s surprising how many demographics can be represented amongst vegans.

After shaming yourself for being completely lost and confused about a cruelty-free life, stumble over to the kitchen.

Begin by shoveling everything out of the fridge and onto a cleared countertop. I hope you like reading food labels because...you’ll be doing it all the time. Nutrition labels are required to list allergy information. Most importantly to vegans are the ones that say ‘contain: milk or egg’. These are to be avoided. Other things to look out for are ‘egg whites,’ ‘gelatin,’ ‘whey,’ ‘casein,’ and anything obvious such as ‘fish oil,’ ‘beef broth,’ or other foods that we all intuitively know come from an animal or sea creature. So, determine from the provided knowledge on whether that item is vegan. If so, chuck it back into that refrigerator. If not, either toss it, donate it, or put it on a lower shelf where an omnivore family member may be able to finish it off for you. If you’re not exhausted after this, you’re doing something incorrectly, but if you’re still up for it after, repeat this process on your pantry. Remember, we’re going shopping soon enough, so don’t fret about how bare your food supply appears.The last step here is to find some recipes before heading out to shop for groceries. Search the world wide web for anything your heart could desire when it comes to vegan food. If you want a burrito, search ‘vegan burrito.’ The likelihood is that no matter what you search, you will be overwhelmed by a plethora of delicious recipes.

So, let’s go shopping!

Grab your car keys and zoom off toward your favorite grocery store. There are some kitchen staples that you’ll want to have if trying out a plant-based diet. Of these are grains, such as barley, millet, quinoa, brown rice, whole wheat couscous, multigrain pasta, tortillas, and bread. As for good ‘ole dairy, look for almond, soy, rice, or hemp milks. Your butter replacement should be a non-hydrogenated version, like the brand Earth Balance. Look for dairy-free cheeses such as Daiya, which melts and stretches like dairy cheese. Tofutti is a great brand if you are desiring cream cheese, sour cream, or yogurt. When it comes to meat alternatives, many prefer using hearty vegetables as their ‘meat’ or proteins such as beans, nuts, chickpeas, and legumes instead of products like tofu, tempeh, and seitan. Nervous about protein intake? There is a whopping 75 grams in a 100 gram serving of seitan, 31 grams in tempeh, and 10 grams in tofu. These meat alternatives can come prepacked in the frozen section or sold in their plain form for a recipe.

Ask an employee if you’re having trouble finding something.

Every store is different and some may not sell a product or it could be shelved in a section you were not aware of. Other popular vegan products in cooking include coconut oil as a butter replacer, miso paste for asian cuisine, flax seed meal as an egg replacer, and finally, nutritional yeast, a great thickening agent and ‘cheese’ flavor. Nutritional yeast is used in most vegan dishes and is a must-have. Now, don’t confuse it with brewer’s yeast. This flaky yellow substance is deactivated yeast and a complete protein. It can be found in most natural food stores, and uncommonly found in an ordinary grocery chain. And last but not least, skip off to the produce section. Stock up on leafy greens such as kale, spinach, and arugula. This is the place to go crazy in. Whatever vegetables and fruits you fancy, add them to your new and improved fridge. Buy frozen for convenience and longevity of freshness. Yes, veganism is cost effective, if you’re wondering. At $3 or more per pound, meat is one of the most expensive items in the grocery store, so saving big can be easy—even if you are buying more produce than ever.

By this step, the sun is likely waning on the horizon and your stomach is probably grumbling at you to feed it.

Purchase your items and proceed to drive home to cook up something vegan. No matter what you choose to prepare, don’t feel disappointed if the result isn’t what you expected. Sometimes it is easier to begin with something small like burritos, tacos, or a stir fry. If you have a question about something, those vegan Facebook pages are a great place to ask, and if you’re not brave enough yet to face the critics, a search engine will most likely provide you with a sufficient answer. In addition, almost all vegan cookbooks supply readers with vegan cuisine help. The town library is a great place to borrow an array of popular plant-based recipe books to get some additional advice and tasty recipes. Libraries can order a book if you’re looking for a specific one. In my personal experience, all the recipe books I was interested in were in the library system and were ordered from another town. Instead of spending money on recipe books, it’s nice to make sure you like most, if not all the recipes before purchasing one for your own personal use.

Making the choice to go vegan can be one of the most gratifying journey in a person’s life.

Regardless of the reason behind the decision, the mutual message amongst vegans is to make a positive change for the sake of our bodies, our planet, and the animals that have no choice but to suffer for the benefit of mankind. In this day and age, we no longer need animals for gain. With so much variety and an access to a grocery store, eating animals is a choice, not a requirement for the sustainability of our lives. Hopefully after reading this helpful guide, you can have the confidence to make a lifestyle change filled with equality, justice, and empathy. If you falter, remember the reason you held on for so long. In the end, it will always be your choice. However, for those who sided with the veggie people, you should be celebrating at this stage in the process. Go change your Facebook status to ‘vegan’ and well, why not celebrate with a slice of vegan cake? At a later date I will reveal the secret handshake, but for now, welcome, my friend, to the most rewarding club on earth!


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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
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