Time for that wacky holiday when those wacky Jews build huts with bamboo and live in them like a bunch of uncivilized hippies. True, Sukkot may not be as well-known as other Jewish high holidays like Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur, but it's probably my favorite one of them all. It's actually one of our most joyous traditions that serves a dual purpose: A) It commemorates when the Jews wandered in the desert for 40 years after leaving Egypt and were protected by a divine cloud on that acted as a shelter on all sides and B) It is an agricultural festival or sorts in which we take several plant species (known as the lulav and etrog), which are blessed throughout the holiday. Wacky, I know, but here's a short summary of what Sukkot (meaning "booths") is like:
1. Trying to build your sukkah and realizing your childhood of building with Lincoln Logs, Legos, and Kinex DIDN'T prepare you to be an architect, even for a simple shack
2. Trying to not look like a weirdo carrying around part of a palm tree and a strange lemon
Nothing to see here, just a tradition my people have been doing for centuries
3. And don't even get me started about when we start shaking them together
Just think of a lulav and etrog as the Jewish shake weight
4. Trying to enjoy lunch in your sukkah while trying to fend off every insect who wants a taste
5. The joys of sukkah-hopping as a kid and getting all the candy you could ever want
It's the one time of the year you can actually go trick or treating except there's always treats unless you count that time my dad gave me a cup of vodka instead of water...
6. Trying to fulfill the tradition of sleeping in the sukkah, but going inside after an hour or two because it's frigging cold outside!
Who do I look like? Elsa?
7. Trying to keep up with the entire congregation during Hoshanos
8. When the pitom of your etrog accidentally breaks off and you're all like
I did NOT need this today!
9. It's raining, but you still have to say the blessing in the sukkah anyway
Pull the lever, I'm eating inside!
10. Decking out your sukkah with lights and decorations so that it feels like you're celebrating a Jewish version of Christmas three months early
A merry Sukkot to all!
11. When you construct your sukkah on uneven ground
Stop wobbling, table!
12. The return to a simpler means of living in the great outdoors
I call this one the Sukkot Song Song
13. Just don't forget to watch out for bears that may be roaming in your suburban neighborhood
Good thing we all have our anti-bear under garments! Right?
14. Explaining to your non-Jewish neighbors why you suddenly renounced society and became a clan of hippies
Neighbor: Are you growing pot in that hut?
You: No, it's part of my religion
Neighbor: *shuffles back into their house with a look of suspicion on their face*
15. When you eat pizza in your sukkah, you're eating pizza in the hut
16. Anxiously awaiting for the arrival of the ushpizin
Just like Eliyahu, they're always invisible
17. Admiring the super fancy etrog holders some people use for the holiday to the point where it gets a Maltese Falcon kind of vibe
The, uh, stuff dreams are made of
18. Shaking off any blues brought on by Yom Kippur
19. Eating your etrog after the holiday and realizing with profound disappointment that it's not as tasty as a regular lemon
20. Partying to the break of dawn because now that the holiday's over, it's Simchat Torah!
Time to get Schwifty!
HAPPY SUKKOT, EVERYONE!
