If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline — 1-800-273-8255
Going through every day, never knowing if I would feel true happiness again in my life I began to fall down a never-ending rabbit hole of depression. Never wanting to leave my bed and make plans with anyone. Dealing with self-hatred and heartbreak all at once was too much to endure.
Locking myself away from others seemed to be the only solution. The only cure to fixing this broken girl that looked back at me in the mirror.
Self-harm crossed my mind numerous times and I thought about ending it all on occasions, but something in my mind stopped me. Maybe it was the counseling I put myself through, my faith in God or my writing that helped me escape the grip in which the darkness had over me.
Whichever one it was or a combination of all three I decided to put my darkest thoughts onto paper.
Having those feelings be released from my mind without physically attempting to take my own life helped put into retrospect that even though I was at my all-time low and depressed all the time, at the end of the day I didn't want to de. I didn't want to give up this life that I was blessed with, even if I felt all alone and lost in this world.
The scars that I put on my own body, even if they are almost completely faded are a constant daily reminder of the struggles I endured and the darkness I pulled myself out of.
Here's the poem I wrote at the lowest point in my life. Writing out the mental chaos and fight my mind was having with itself.
Depression didn't win this battle, I did. And for that, I am beyond grateful!
Know that no matter what you are going through there is always help to be given. Suicide may seem like the only outcome when the darkness overtakes you, but I am here to tell you that it's not. There is always a beam of light waiting to take hold and bring you out of whatever darkness you may feel trapped in!
* * *
Do you feel that?
The warm liquid cascading down your arm?
It smells like iron.
Cascading down at such a rapid pace,
It drips down my fingertips onto the floor leaving droplets everywhere like breadcrumbs for someone to miraculously follow and maybe find me in time.
Do you taste that?
Horrid and blain.
The chalky texture touches my tongue and slides down my throat.
One by one sending me into a state of endless sleep.
Do you hear that?
The roar of the nearby siren?
For when it finally comes to reach me it will be too late.
Maybe then you will realize just how much your words and actions truly affected me.