Sometimes The Bravest Thing Is Continuing To Live When You Want To Die

Sometimes The Bravest Thing Is Continuing To Live When You Want To Die

"Suicide doesn't end the chances of life getting worse, it eliminates the possibility of it ever getting any better." – Unknown


The National Institute of Mental Health states reported that In 2016

  • Suicide was the second leading cause of death among individuals between the ages of 10 and 34, and the fourth leading cause of death among individuals between the ages of 35 and 54.
  • There were more than twice as many suicides (44,965) in the United States as there were homicides (19,362).

Suicide awareness and mental health awareness are so important. Suicide should not be the second leading cause of death. There are so many reasons people commit suicide, and often times we will never really know why they do. Some things others cannot change, like substance abuse or being diagnosed with terminal illnesses. Other suicide causes we can change, like bullying and abuse. The best thing we can do is support those suffering and try to prevent more suicides.

Did I ever try to commit suicide? No. Did I ever self-harm? No. I just slept all the time so I wouldn't have to feel or think anything. Did I wonder what the world would be like without me in it sometimes? Or how if I could just make my overwhelming anxiety and self-hate stop somehow things would be better? Yes. I did.

I never got to the point where I wanted to take my own life but there are far too many people that do. And I honestly can understand why. Sometimes your internal demons are so bad you just want it all to go away and think death will be the answer.

{If you feel like this please know that death or self-harm isn't the answer. You can find help. You are loved. You are valuable. You are worthy. Whatever you're going through someone will listen. You can heal and you can get better. Every day won't be easy, but fight and push through and you can have good days.}

We lose so many people to mental health issues and it needs to be discussed more often. And I don't mean in the condescending "she has no reason to be depressed" way. It's not about what is so wrong with life all the time.

"Because if you kill yourself, you're also going to kill the people who love you."-unknown

I had a great family. I had a great future ahead of me. I was in love. I had amazing friends. I made awesome grades. I had a good car and home. I didn't have financial struggles. I had a Christian support group. My life was great.

Mental illness doesn't care about those things though. Sometimes you can have everything in the world and it still never be enough. Sometimes our brains just don't agree with us. It isn't just something people do for attention.

If someone is threatening to take their life pay attention. It's a cry for help. Sometimes people may not outright say they are having suicidal thoughts, but you notice behavior that isn't healthy. The best thing you can do for someone is reaching out and offering healthy coping mechanisms or even offering to take them to a counselor or hospital.

But at the end of the day, it is their choice to get help or to not get help. But that doesn't mean don't try.

(You can only help someone so much before they help themselves. It is hard to love someone with a mental illness. The guilt and fear you probably feel are hard things to experience. So take care of yourself too. And know that it isn't your responsibility to fix someone else. Children don't know how to cope, so yes advocate for your children. But as an adult, you are responsible for yourself.)

You never know what kind of hope your little act of kindness can give someone who is struggling.

There are so many amazing treatments that can help. There are so many support groups and loving people that want to help. Society is working its way towards a better "mental health" support community. But there's still so much more that needs to be done.

We need more education on the various types of mental health issues and how you can help someone who is struggling. We need to stop making it such a negative thing and start accepting people and supporting people who are struggling. If we could find ways to better support each other instead of constantly tearing each other down and putting so much pressure on each other maybe our world would be a better place.

No child should ever commit suicide because they are bullied so badly. No child should even have access to learn how to commit suicide. Children should be focusing on playing and having fun. Teach your children and brothers and sisters to be kind. Be the change you want to see.

I don't know the answers to fixing the extremely high suicide rates in our country, but what I do know is that it needs to be fixed. Does it start with fixing the overwhelming drug problem? Are rates increases with the increase of social media and cyberbullying? Are suicide rates in men so high because society puts too much pressure on them to be strong and to never fail?

Statistics like these shouldn't be real... "In 2014, an average of 20 Veterans died by suicide each day. Six of the 20 were recent users of VHA services in 2013 or 2014." but the sad truth is that they are. The people that fight for our freedoms need to be cared for. There must be more safe places for people to heal. There needs to be more acceptance and support. We need to heal our people.

At the end of the day it comes down to this, you never know what demons someone is fighting. Be kind. Your one minute of speaking up could be saving someone's life. Be the light in someone's darkness.

"Place your hand over your heart, can you feel it? That is called purpose. You're alive for a reason so don't ever give up." – Unknown


National Suicide Hotline: 1 (800) 273-8255 - available 24/7

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To The Person Who Feels Suicidal But Doesn't Want To Die

Suicidal thoughts are not black and white.

Everyone assumes that if you have suicidal thoughts that means you want to die.

From an outside perspective, suicidal thoughts are rarely looked into deeper than the surface level. Either you have suicidal thoughts and you want to die, or you don't have suicidal thoughts and you want to live. What most people don't understand is that people live in between those two statements, I for one am one of them.

I've had suicidal thoughts since I was a kid.

My first recollection of it was when I came home after school one day and got in trouble, and while I was just sitting in the dining room I kept thinking, “I wonder what it would be like to take a knife from the kitchen and just shove it into my stomach." I didn't want to die, or even hurt myself for that matter. But those thoughts haven't stopped since.

I've thought about going into the bathroom and taking every single pill I could find and just drifting to sleep and never waking back up, I've thought about hurting myself to take the pain away, just a few days ago on my way to work I thought about driving my car straight into a tree. But I didn't. Why? Because even though that urge was so strong, I didn't want to die. I still don't, I don't want my life to end.

I don't think I've ever told anyone about these feelings. I don't want others to worry because the first thing anyone thinks when you tell them you have thoughts about hurting or killing yourself is that you're absolutely going to do it and they begin to panic. Yes, I have suicidal thoughts, but I don't want to die.

It's a confusing feeling, it's a scary feeling.

When the depression takes over you feel like you aren't in control. It's like you're drowning.

Every bad memory, every single thing that hurt you, every bad thing you've ever done comes back and grabs you by the ankle and drags you back under the water just as you're about the reach the surface. It's suffocating and not being able to do anything about it.

The hardest part is you never know when these thoughts are going to come. Some days you're just so happy and can't believe how good your life is, and the very next day you could be alone in a dark room unable to see because of the tears welling up in your eyes and thinking you'd be better off dead.

You feel alone, you feel like a burden to everyone around you, you feel like the world would be better off without you. I wish it was something I could just turn off but I can't, no matter how hard I try.

These feelings come in waves.

It feels like you're swimming and the sun is shining and you're having a great time until a wave comes and sucks you under into the darkness of the water. No matter how hard you try to reach the surface again a new wave comes and hits you back under again, and again, and again.

And then it just stops.

But you never know when the next wave is going to come. You never know when you're going to be sucked back under.

I always wondered if I was the only one like this.

It didn't make any sense to me, how did I think about suicide so often but not want to die? But I was thinking about it in black and white, I thought I wasn't allowed to have those feelings since I wasn't going to act on them. But then I read articles much like this one and I realized I'm not the only one. Suicidal thoughts aren't black and white, and my feelings are valid.

To everyone who feels this way, you aren't alone.

I thought I was for the longest time, I thought I was the only one who felt this way and I didn't understand how I could feel this way. But please, I implore you to talk to someone, anyone, about the way you're feeling, whether it be a family member, significant other, a friend, a therapist.

My biggest mistake all these years was never telling anyone how I feel in fear that they would either brush me off because “who could be suicidal but not want to die?" or panic and try to commit me to a hospital or something. Writing this article has been the greatest feeling of relief I've felt in a long time, talking about it helps. I know it's scary to tell people how you're feeling, but you're not alone and you don't have to go through this alone.

Suicidal thoughts aren't black and white, your feelings are valid, and there are people here for you. You are not alone.

If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline — 1-800-273-8255

Cover Image Credit: BengaliClicker

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Depression Is A Balancing Act That Is And Isn't In Our Control

Managing depression can sometimes feel overwhelming.


*Warning: Before reading any further is that this article will be talking about heavy topics such as depression and suicide.*

Depression in this day and age is a very sticky topic to talk about. Yes, we are becoming more aware and accepting of the issue, but we still have a long ways to go in terms of really know how we can be there for people in a way that's most effective and where they don't feel judged because of it.

I have dealt with depression most of my life and especially going through college. It didn't become a big thing for me till I came to college, and then having to navigate my issue of it. Whether that's talking about it friends vaguely about it, bottling it all in, going for professional help, etc. It's one of the many reasons why I'm afraid of meeting someone new, or wanting to be in a relationship, I was afraid of the judgment and feeling that if I told someone they either might not want to do anything with me, say it's too much for them, etc.

Now some of those fears, in my opinion, were unjustified in a sense that yes even though it is important for people to be there for me in my time of need, I need to be conscious of how much I share and whether they can take that piece of me I shared. It's a balancing act that is hard to manage, but it allows me for a much-needed look into myself of what actually makes me happy, what doesn't, what triggers my depression and going out of my way to make sure I don't let it take control of me.

The depression took me to places, very dark places that I'm happy to have push through, with my depression it made my thoughts go into suicidal ideation, and even hurting myself, an act that I never thought I would ever do but thankfully I had people in my life that helped me overcome that and going to talk to a professional.

Depression is a mental health issue that most everyone struggles with regardless of where they're at in life, it can come like a tidal wave, or not at all. It's an internal struggle with ourselves, and we do our best trying to get through it. I know that I'm not alone in this, and if you're reading this you're not alone either.

Don't be afraid to talk about it, but be mindful of other people and how much you can share in order for them to be able to process it, go for professional help, exercise, hang out with friends. Don't let depression fully control your life, it won't go away but if we can manage it in a way that helps us be able to keep it under control then that's a win.

If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline — 1-800-273-8255

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