It was a warm June day…It was June 30 to be exact. It was a Tuesday, though I did not hear of the news until Thursday. I was living in Louisiana at a residential group home working through my own personal issues. On Tuesday, though, my parents’ called my counselor at the residential home I was at and discussed with her the happenings of that day. On Thursday, after their staff meeting, my counselor sat me down, telling me that my Mama and Pops had some news for me. They would be calling in shortly and I needed to grab a seat. Not knowing what to expect, I immediately expected the worst—someone had died. I suspected I knew who it was. I even suspected how it happened. But I was wrong.
When my Mama said “hello”, I immediately knew something was wrong. I could tell from her tone that she was upset but that she was trying to hide that fact from me. My Pops responded with a solemn “hello” as well, solidifying what I already knew to be true… something was very, very wrong.
Sooner than I could process it, the words were out and were ravishing my mind: “Kendall took her life on Tuesday.” I remember sitting there crying... sobbing even. All I could think was, “How could this have happened? My little cousin… She was doing well, or so I thought? She was in a center, getting the help she needed.” In that moment though, none of that mattered; what mattered was that I did not get to say good bye. The thing that mattered in that moment was Kendall made a decision to take her life. My little cousin, who I had only had the pleasure of knowing for a short while, was gone.
In my selfish flesh, my first thought was, “Why was that not me?” It was not in the sense that I wish I could have taken her place and rid her of that pain. It was in the sense that I wished, in that moment, that I had been the one who had succeeded in my attempt to take my own life. I remember feeling so ashamed about my thought process in that moment… but that is when the Lord interceded on my behalf. In my weakness, the Lord quickly spoke into my heart that He has called me to live. The Lord has instilled in me the truth of life and love, and that He does not desire for me to die. He desires for me to live for Him, in this thing called life.
Is that to say that His plan for Kendall was death? By no means. What I mean by all of this is that the Lord has created a plan for each and every one of us—He has called us to delight in Him and His will and desire for each of us. But those who commit suicide often mistakenly believe that it does not matter if they take their life. They believe that no one will miss them, that friends and family will be better off without them, and that suicide is the only way to escape their misery.
Suicide is about fears and circumstances that lead to emotional tunnel vision. This makes one incorrectly think death is preferable to life. They view suicide as a means of escape, and it becomes a permanent solution to a temporary problem or series of problems. Regrettably, those who choose suicide are either unwilling or unable to see the terrible consequences of their act in the lives of families and friends.
Suicide always creates more pain than it alleviates. It makes a mess of everything it touches. I am sure that the day my little cousin took her life, she did not consider the lasting impact it would have on immediate family, extended family and friends. I am sure that she could not see past that hurt and the pain and the fears she was experiencing. I know the feeling. It is all consuming and blinding.
So, with all of that said, Kendall, my dear, I love you. And to each and every one of you out there struggling with suicidal thoughts, please remember that you are loved as well. It may not feel that way, but the truth is, you are so very loved.
