Before I say anything else, this article is not meant to step on anyone's toes. If you've done anything I'm writing about, please don't be offended or worried about it. Simply take it as a learning experience. No matter what, please know how much we love you and how thankful we are that you do care enough to think of us.
Chronic illnesses are becoming more and more widespread. You probably know at least one person who's sick, if not a handful of people. But may I be straightforward? Just because you've heard of someone else with said illness or read something about it online does not make you an expert on it or give you the grounds to tell us what would fix us. The reality is, my mom and I do most of the research about my illnesses, and other people do most of their own, too. I know how exciting it is to stumble upon something that may help someone and want to share, but just because you think it may help doesn't mean you should pass it along.
I wish it wasn't so complicated, but it really is a tricky balance. Sometimes we do want suggestions. I've asked people for suggestions when I'm completely clueless, and I've had other people ask me for advice, too, on anything from migraines to sleep trouble to anxiety attacks. Many times, though, I've already thought about or tried a lot of what other people suggest to me, and it's not as helpful as they think it would be to hear again.
If we're not asking directly for suggestions, please use prayer and discernment if you really feel the need to share something. Also remember that there is a right time and spirit to suggest things in. I can promise you that you'll get a better response to your suggestion if you validate your spoonie friend.
Back up your suggestion with the emphasis that you believe we're sick and you're not trying to fix us. I had an old friend message me one day with one of the most thoughtfully written suggestions I've received. She told me she 100% respected that I'm chronically ill and that she knew I was doing a lot and her suggestion might not help. She recognized I could have already tried it, and then she shared what she wanted to. It turned out that what she mentioned had already been tested, but I was so impressed with how she approached me. Not only did she write with a kind respect, but she also ended with a sweet note that she was praying for me, which is always appreciated.
Discernment is a key theme here because it's important to use discernment in how you suggest something, but it's also important to use discernment in what you're saying. Make sure what you heard or read sounds legitimate. There's a huge difference between, "Hey, my second cousin's best friend's nephew who's living in England for a year cured his fibromyalgia, Lyme disease, and dysautonomia by only eating banana baby food for three months. Have you thought about trying that?" and "Hey, I just joined Doterra, and it looks like they have this neat rub called Deep Blue that's supposed to be good for muscle tension and joint pain. If you think this could help relieve some pain for you, I'd love to gift you with a bottle! Praying for you always!"
It's also probably more credible, and we're probably more open to it if it's something that's been successful for you. I had some friends in a Bible study this past summer suggest Baltic Amber for pain relief because it's something they tried and felt better using. They offered to let me borrow theirs without insisting it would most definitely help. They simply offered an idea along with generosity to share and didn't impose any expectations on me.
With that, please don't be upset if we don't take your suggestion or if it isn't the miracle cure. Chronic illnesses are Complicated-with-a-capital-C, and it's pretty much unheard of for just one thing (product or idea) to cure us.
If it's a common idea, we've probably tried it or at least thought about it. Some things, we just cannot do. Others aren't right for us. But if it's along the lines of yoga, meditation, gluten-free diets, acupuncture, chiropractors, or essential oils...we've probably been there. It's most likely either part of our routine, something that hasn't worked or something we can't handle (yet, hopefully). Trust me, we're more desperate than you are.
In the end, we need (and desire!) your friendship, love, and encouragement so much more than your opinions on why we're sick or what we should be doing about it. We're already working with our doctors to figure out the best treatment plan and options for symptom management. It's often more overwhelming and stressful to have to field other people's thoughts, too. Again, we're not trying to be overly sensitive, snobby, or easily offended. The reality is, though, we're battling something big that's also incredibly personal and unique, and other people thinking they know everything going on is hard to handle. It can make us feel belittled or judged like you don't realize how much we're trying to fight our illness or you don't think we're doing a good enough job. However, please don't miss how much we appreciate YOU. Thank you for caring.
