Being a single parent is hard and no one will tell you differently; but, what is hard is when you're a stay at home mother and you live in constant fear. People will tell you it's a rational way to think when you go from being home with you child to working. But what people don't tell you is when you're suffering from Major Depressive Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder it creates a huge weight on your shoulders.
I am scared 24/7 to leave my house, rather it's going out with a friend or staying the night with someone. I can only be away from my daughter for a few hours and I am already having an anxiety attack. I don't open up to people because that just isn't who I am. I worry all the time and what's it going to be like when I go to work? I haven't worked in over a year. And when I did work, I had lost my job after only working for a week to a month. So much anxiety and running on no sleep caused a lot of problems for me. I was unable to concentrate on what the task was at hand. I loved working in the hotel, but being away for long periods of time caused me to lose control of my well-being.
I want to work more than anything, but every time I think of leaving the house to work, what's it going to be like when I am working? Who is going to be there when my child falls and hurts herself at school? And I say this because it's happened once already at school. I'm worried because I have a vivid imagination and sometimes it drives me wild. I constantly day dream about what could happen if I get a job and no one is there. I'm afraid of my child riding the bus because of all the bus wrecks in the past few years. I'm afraid that if I do work then I don't have enough time to go to therapy for my mental illnesses, or I'm afraid that I won't be available for events going on with my daughter's school. I want to be available for everything possible. I want to work so I can support myself and my child, but I don't want to work and let people down.
I don't want to sit all day and not do anything with my life, but I am so scared of the possibilities that could happen while I'm away. I know this is probably all irrational thoughts, but that isn't going to stop me from having them. I don't know how to stop the feelings and I don't even think medication really helps this problem.
A lot of people try saying that I just don't want to work. That isn't the case at all because I really want to get out and meet new people and have a life outside these four walls, but i am in constant fear that something is going to happen. I don't know how to stop these feelings or these dreams, but I don't know what the next step really is anymore. I know that leaving my child with family seems to be the easiest step and I know I can trust family, but I just constantly live with a daily battle that something horrible is bound to happen. I'm scared, worried, torn between reality and fantasy. I don't know what to do anymore.
