In a world full of misogyny, sexism, homophobia and pure ignorance towards those who do not fit perfectly into the queer community -- and the dominant culture in general -- life can be full of a multitude of annoyances for a femme queer woman like me. There are always questions of “am I gay enough to go to the gay bar?” and the annoying and painful process of forever coming out to anyone and everyone you know. That journey has been one of the hardest parts for me. Only being 19, I have already had the awkward and oddly comforting struggle of coming out to my family and the fact that I will forever have to go through that process only makes me want to stay in the closet even more.
Being a femme girl means defying the stereotypes that are often bestowed on other lesbians and non-straight women, alike. Because one will often find me in a face of makeup, skirts and dresses and florals, I have a hard time feeling accepted in queer communities. Maybe this uncomfortable feeling is all internal, stemming from my fear of other gay women actually knowing I am interested in them, or maybe it comes from a culture in the LGBTQ+ community that is still focused on stereotypes, but there is something about being a queer femme that is somewhat uncomfortable.
There is always a question of my level of “gayness.” Does my makeup make those butch lesbians feel less gay because they are with a girl who defies stereotypes, or am I just being overly sensitive? Either way, that question is always on the back of my mind, especially when I feel the need to prove my queerness.
The femme life struggle not only affects the way queer women see me (or the way I feel in queer spaces) but it also affects the way straight men treat me. Due to sexism, misogyny and pure homophobia: Harassment because of my gayness has occurred more times than I can count. Whether it’s a question “how gay are you really?” or the disgusting question of my sexual and romantic past with men, straight guys always feel entitled to my history and my body, purely because of my sexuality and the way I present.
I think this aspect of my sexuality is what has affected me most. Having my sexuality randomly questioned by those not entitled to an answer has really made me self-conscious about the way I present myself. Starting off with the surprise of my sexuality, then moving towards questions of personal history and eventually sexual harassment, it is exhausting feeling so uncomfortable when I’m only out for a gay-ole’-time.
Lastly, the fact I will never be done with coming out has really taken a toll on me and my relationship to my sexuality. Let's get this straight—I love being gay. I love the culture and the person I have become after accepting myself for who I am. I love the people and the relationships I have made with other queer people. But, the fact that I have to come out almost on a weekly basis has debilitated the way I see myself. Whether it's to co-workers, strangers, or friends who are out of the loop, coming out as a “straight presenting” queer woman is not easy. As noted above, there will always be a question of my sexuality and my romantic history. People will always feel the need to criticize the way I am presenting myself and men (mostly) will find a way to over-sexualize me, fitting me into their creepy lesbian fantasies.
