Trigger Warning: Self-Harm
These past few weeks, when trying to decide what to write about this week, I found myself really struggling with trying to pick something to write. Actually, these past few weeks, I really have been struggling in general due to my own personal struggle of being in a depressive episode. That’s when I realized that’s what I could talk about - depression. But why stop there? I realized that if I wanted to open up about my own personal story with depression, I needed to go all out and talk about the terrible things that come with it and that meant talking about something that I never talk about. Talking about something that not a lot of people know about me. I knew that I needed to talk about self harm.
In this day in age, depression and anxiety seem to be rather common, but that’s an article for another time. While depression is more common, people still hide behind a lot of doors with the mental disorder and the life ruining things it can bring - like self harm. My main goal in life is to help people and I want to write this article and tell my own personal story in hopes to help someone. I want to people to realize that many people self harm and can continue to live a normal lifestyle. I want to make people feel better about themselves if they self harmed in the past and sometimes continue to struggle with it today. I want to make people realize that self harm doesn’t define them. There’s so much I want to accomplish in this article that I don’t know if I can, but hopefully through telling my own story with self harm, I can at least help.
My own personal story with self harm started in 7th grade when I tried cutting myself with a plastic knife. I remember sitting in my room, crying my eyes out about the constant sadness I was feeling and how I just was never good enough. I had remembered a friend of mine bringing up how she struggled with self harm so badly and how she wouldn’t wish the addiction upon anyone. Despite how terrible of a picture she painted of self harm, I decided I wanted to try it. I couldn’t find anything else and I was scared to try with an actual knife, so I just tried with a plastic knife. Surprisingly, it did the job after working at my arm for a while. I never imagined that something I did irrationally when I was upset at age twelve would go on to control more than five years of my life.
I remember moving on from the plastic knife one night when I decided that the work I was putting into harming myself was just too much and I wanted something easier. I needed the relief I got from self harm to come quicker. So I ended up taking a pin off of my wall and trying that instead - but it did nothing but swell up my arm and cause more pain than anything. One by one, I found different things to hurt myself with until I was satisfied with one - which happened to be my razor.
From seventh grade to my junior year of high school, self harm controlled my life. There was a point in my life during my freshman year that I was cutting myself every day. Every single day, I would cut myself open to have just a brief break from feeling this constant, deep, dark depression. The worst part? Besides my best friends at the time, no one knew that I was struggling. Every single day, I would have cuts hidden away on my arms or legs, bouncing between hoping no one would see them and begging that someone saw them and would save me from the terrible addiction I was in.
Self harm is often targeted as ‘attention seeking,' and I have a few different things to say to that. My first response is so what if someone wants attention? If they are willing to go to such extremes as to bringing extreme harm to themselves, then they need help just as much as the people who are hurting themselves and keeping it a secret. My second response is a story about the night I realized I had an addiction. I could tell you a million more stories of days and nights that I cut myself and I didn’t think I could ever even begin to explain how terrible my addiction was, but I think this night wraps up my addiction pretty well.
There was a night during my sophomore year that I was just so depressed. I can’t tell you what about or what was even going on in my life at the time except that I was suicidal and depressed - but I was keeping it all to myself. That night, I ended up cutting myself so deep, I still have the scar on my leg to prove it. I remember holding one towel to my cut and biting one in my mouth so I wouldn’t scream and wake up anyone. I couldn’t even begin to deal with the shame that I had for even doing this to myself in the first place. I remember looking at the cut and thinking, “Am I going to have to stitch this myself?’ That’s how ashamed I was with my addiction. I was willing to try to stitch something myself rather than have anyone figure out about my struggles.
It wasn't until my junior year when I started medication that actually worked for me and had a really wonderful teacher help me out that I was able to go months without harming myself. Through therapy, medication, help from that teacher and friends, and the willpower to want to stop this addiction controlling my life, I ended up being able to go two and a half years without self harm.
I went from cutting myself at least once a day to going two and a half years without it. Do you hear that? Two and a half years! I want anyone who is reading this article and is struggling with self harm to know that you can go from the worst to better with help. I promise. I also want to let people know that relapse happens with addictions and it’s okay and you can move on.
I will admit that I, as a sophomore in college, still struggle with self harm. As much as I want to say it’s been four years since I self harmed and that I was able to stop completely the first time I tried to stop, that’s not how it works. I am twenty years old and I am proudly two months clean. I still have scars on my arms and legs, reminding me of the times when this demon controlled my life. I just know that I am in control of myself and my emotions and that I don’t need to cut myself open to prove that. I know that if I’m depressed and want to feel something other than the depression I’m feeling or to feel anything at all, there are many things I can do other than turn to my razor.
Self harm doesn’t control me - not anymore, and it doesn’t have to control anyone. If you know anyone who struggles with self harm of any kind, please share this article to let them know that they aren’t alone. If you don’t know anyone who has personally struggled with it, share this article anyway, because you never really know who is struggling.
