I struggle to admit my faults, but know that they make me who I am today. I have constantly strived to be as perfect as possible. I hate failure and the feeling that comes with knowing that others may think less of me, but I have accepted my flaws for what they are and will admit to them. I struggle with body-image.

Growing up, I was an extremely active dancer that never had to worry about being overweight, but my weight was always a topic that seemed to come up every so often. I was called names like “anorexic” and “board” by my classmates and felt self-conscious because I did not have the “womanly” appearance that men were attracted to. These thoughts were going through my head in elementary school and I could never shake the pressure that I put on my body. After I stopped competitively dancing my freshman year of high school, I began puberty. My body went through many changes over this period of time and I did not know the profound effect that a natural part of becoming a woman would have on my self-image. I began putting on weight and certain areas became more accentuated. It was very difficult for me to accept the changes while also feeling confident with my own body. This weight gain (though it was no more than 15 pounds) had been noticed by others and something that I began to focus on. I could not think about anything other than my weight which led to the use of laxatives.

I understand that this form of weight loss may not be the most glamorous, but I know that it needs to be addressed and brought to everyone’s attention. Laxatives can be bought over the center at the local Walmart and Target. I abused these laxatives for two years and it reeked havoc on my body; there were times were I would go through a box of 90 tablets in two weeks. Though my weight began to drop significantly, the pills had a larger effect on my mind. I began documenting the amount of food that I was eating, which was minimal, and the amount of laxatives that I would ingest throughout the day. I was fixated on the laxatives and my body for two years. It took a medical issue to realize that what I thought had been making my body better was actually causing my body and mind to deteriorate. I stopped taking the pills, but I still struggle with the same thoughts that were running through my mind during that time.

Three years later, I am still encountering the temptation to fall back into my old ways of losing weight. I am content with my weight now and had no reason to not be content in the past. My struggles have taught me that nothing is more important than your health. Though I thought that the smaller the number was on the scale meant that I was healthy, I have now realized that lifestyle and mental health takes precedent. I believe that I will always struggle with my body-image and fall back into my old patterns at some points in time, but I will always catch myself. Rather than focusing on the extra pound that I may put on after a weekend of eating junk food or on what my body may look like in swimsuit during the summer months, I try to keep myself busy with activities that demand my full attention. I focus on these activities and on the things that make me truly happy. I refuse to allow myself to fall back into that unhealthy lifestyle and am proud of myself for admitting to this form of weight loss that is rarely discussed.