I have anxiety. I don't know when it hit me and I don't know if anything in particular triggered it. It wasn't until late last year that I realized what was happening to me was the product of an anxiety attack.

My junior year of college, I was beginning to slip into a deep depression, one much like my freshman/sophomore year in high school that left me with heavy, dark suicidal thoughts. It was a time I dreaded, feared, and was terrified to return to. I confided in my best friend, who encouraged me to speak to someone and I finally went to the school health center to speak to a therapist. I told her everything; I discovered things about my values that I have never uncovered before and she concluded the reason I struggle with relationships is because my best friend and I stopped being friends in the fifth grade... Sound ridiculous? Yeah, I thought so too. I told her all that I could about how my depression affected me, how I felt in my relationship, what I thought I needed and everything that had been happening with me. I literally described anxiety, though she never picked up on it and I had no idea at the time. You know what she told me?... She said I would never be happy. She advised me to break up with my boyfriend, but also said how I likely wouldn't find what I was looking for in anyone else. She told me I was "screwed up," and she didn't know how to help me.

She gave me an anxiety attack.

If you think you may be suffering from anxiety, but don't necessarily know (like I was) let me explain to you my symptoms; however, please keep in mind that it can affect everyone differently.

Cold Sweats
I can drench my shirt in a cold sweat in just a few moments. It hits me instantly. I could be totally fine one minute and the next thing I know, I can almost feel the switch flip in my head. Within that same minute, my entire body breaks out in goose bumps, I'll start to shiver and my back and hands will be soaked with sweat. One minute. That is all it takes.

Shaking
There is shivering and then there is the shaking. Two totally separate things. They feel different, and with each shake I get an intense rush of nervousness and adrenaline. It's a subtle shake usually; an entire body quiver that leaves me terrified and with difficult thoughts to cope with.

Diarrhea
Oh no! Not poop talk! Yes. The moment my anxiety hits, I have to be in the bathroom. If there is not a bathroom around, my anxiety just intensifies. Once I'm there, it's full on nervous shits. (Am I allowed to say that?) And if any of you have had them, they are almost worse than beer and period shits. Almost.

Racing Thoughts
This is usually one of the first symptoms. Once the racing thoughts begin, they merely intensify. I could start off thinking I did bad on a test and the next moment, I'm convinced my boyfriend hates me and that I need to break up with him before he inevitably breaks up with me.

Knowing That You are Being Ridiculous
This can be the worst part. You know that everything you are thinking and your reactions are completely ridiculous. You know you are freaking out over nothing, but you can't control it. I remember fainting once, (not related to the anxiety) and as I was fainting thinking to myself that it was going to hurt and that I needed to stop, but I couldn't. I had no control at that point, just like my thoughts during an attack.

There is a quote I read once about anxiety that couldn't be more true. "Living with anxiety is like being followed by a voice. It knows all your insecurities and uses them against you. It gets to the point when it's the loudest voice in the room. The only thing you can hear."

I've only had an attack around my boyfriend once. I've called him during others, but he has only ever experienced it once. I had grabbed a notebook and was jotting down the thoughts as quick as I could. He was rubbing my back and telling me I would be okay and that he loved me, but I was convinced it was all an act. I was certain he was wasting my time and I knew he would leave me for a better girl. Anxiety takes all of your control and just dangles it in front of you like a carrot on a string you can't ever get to. This is why the therapist said I was "screwed up." I was struggling to explain what was going on in my head, because I couldn't understand it myself.

Anxiety feels like drowning. It feels like you're swimming wildly towards the surface and running out of air, but the surface never gets closer.

But it's not always an attack that comes with fear. I've recently been experiencing moments of intense rage that scare me after the fact. This kind of attack is petrifying in its own way. A best friend, a loved one or an animal could do or say something that would normally leave me unphased but within an instant I want to cause horrific harm to them. I will admit that I have been seconds away from stabbing a dog, strangling someone, and knocking someone out. But I haven't yet. I pray I never do. If I scream and flex, I can tend to change my thought process. But I become scared of myself... and I've never told anyone that before.

My OCD intensifies with some mild attacks as well. I've noticed this more often since I graduated two and a half weeks ago. I am redoing my room with the help of my mother and the amount of stuff around me begins to give me a mild attack. I end up moving the same object 10 to 12 times, anywhere from across the room to moving it a mere inch. I may even just shift the angle of something, or rotate its position. I become obsessively nit-picky.

Anxiety is the need and desire to be happy but feeling as though you don't deserve it.

Anxiety is a disorder, not a decision.

I haven't sought the aid of medication for my anxiety. I've turned to writing my thoughts down, drinking an apple juice box and taking a nap. But I fear the day that won't be enough.

If you or anyone you know struggles with anxiety, I heavily encourage you to talk to someone (maybe not a therapist) who you can trust. Most importantly, if you feel your anxiety is taking over your life, please seek help. I'm not there yet. I can still go months without an attack. But as they begin to appear closer and closer together, the possibility of medication is becoming more of a reality.