We all know the phrase "broke college student" and have associations about what we think it means. For me, I picture having next to no money in your bank account and have to figure out if you have enough food in your apartment to last the week. For some it means working two jobs and struggling to pay rent and tuition. When I was in college I was blessed to have parents who helped me out by paying tuition and rent. I was blessed that my parents supported me in college where I didn't have to struggle financially as much as some other college students. For them I am forever grateful. However, I will admit due to my terrible spending habits that I was a broke college student in the ways I didn't have a lot of money to get by. I was lucky if I had more than a hundred dollars in my account half the time. I spent most of it on eating out and clothes. When I was studying abroad I spent it on travel. Even when I was a senior in college, I was still struggling as I had therapy and a terrible food addiction that I was paying for. I don't regret my life choices because I don't believe in living in regret but I do wish I had known how to budget better. I think it would have saved me in the long run.
Since graduating college, I told myself I'd budget better and for the most part I have. The problem I have is I haven't found a job so I am not making any money. I had a few retail jobs since but none of them lasted past a couple months. Now as I am unemployed and looking for work that isn't retail, I am finding it harder and harder not to lose faith. I am afraid I'll always be the broke girl and I won't ever have money for a house, marriage, kids, or just myself. Part of it is I know I am going to be losing a lot of money this month as my boyfriend and I are taking his brother, wife, and us to Disneyland. Each of us have to pay $798 for the tickets to Disneyland and hotel. If I subtract that from the money in my bank account plus the rent I owe them this month I'd have exactly $2 in my bank account after. This is a very stressful thing for me as I have no income coming in so I am frightened of being broke. I am more scared as I have Valentines and my boyfriend's birthday to pay for as well. My boyfriend is the sweetest person I've ever met and has done so much for me these past several months that I wish I could pay him back. And I know a relationship is more than extreme gestures and lavish gifts, but the way I express my love and gratitude is through these things. So the fact that instead of getting him lavish gifts to express my love and gratitude and having to settle for next to nothing because I have no money, makes me sick to my stomach. Last night I was in tears and terror over this fact.
While my boyfriend is very sweet and wants to help me get by I don't feel comfortable relying on him forever as I don't want our relationship to function like that. It makes me feel terrible as I feel like a mooch and like I can't function on my own. However, I have no choice but to accept the help because its that or be so poor I'm eating ramen for the next several months. I constantly feel like I am a burden on everyone I know and the words of one of my old college roommates, rings in my ear every time i borrow money, "Gabi, you constantly get yourself in trouble and need people to bail you out. You need to learn to dig yourself out of situations." While she wasn't wrong, I don't like feeling like I'm that much of a burden on those I love the most. Last night I had a fleeting thought of finding a sugar daddy because I was so desperate for cash but I know deep down no matter how desperate I am, I can't sell my soul and body for cash because it isn't who I am.
The only thing getting me by is knowing that I'm not alone in this and that a lot of young people feel this way. That at the end of the day at least I have a support system who is willing to help me out and won't let me become homeless and eating out of trash bins (like I fear I will). I know that I'm extremely privileged that I have people who can give me that kind of financial support when I'm down but I still wish I could make it on my own.
Another problem I find with Post Grad life is making friends. I've heard the most common places adults make friends is in school or work. But as I am out of school and not working, it is difficult to broaden my friend circle. Sure, I have great friends from college but they all live far from me and I don't get to see them as much as I would like. Where I'm living now most of my friends consist of one good friend from High School, some family friends, and my boyfriend's friends. While I love all of these people and I'm so glad we are all friends, I'd like to have my own social circle. That's why I re-downloaded Bumble and chose the BFF option. It is allowing me to chat to some very nice girls and hopefully make a connection with a few of them. So far I've had a few matches but nothing solid yet.
But despite the frustrations of money and forming friendships I am facing, I am hoping that it won't be like this forever. That one day I will look back and think that this was such a blip in the road to my journey of success. I am hoping one day I'll have my own career and have the funds to pay back my boyfriend and parents for all they've done for me. I just wish that this post-grad life wasn't chewing me up and spitting me out in the meantime.
