Have you ever wondered exactly how many people you’ve lost in your lifetime?
Not just those who have passed away, but the ones you don’t speak to anymore. Maybe a simple disagreement became a battle of cold shoulders. Perhaps a friendship faded away as you both realized you had nothing in common anymore. Or, there could’ve been a mutual decision made in an attempt to better yourselves.
Looking back on my life, I know that there are at least a hundred people who I have lost in one way or another. Elementary school comrades, teenage BFF’s, romantic exes, and countless others that I’ve long forgotten taunt from the corner of my memory.
But, of course, there are those few who I remember vividly. People that are missed from time to time, who pop into my head out of seemingly nowhere.
This past weekend, one such person entered my mind.
I’m sure many of you can relate when I say my heart literally dropped when I found myself thinking about him. It was more than just referring to him in a conversation or finding an accidental reminder; it was my body aching to see, hear, talk to him again. I could feel his absence in my life not only emotionally but physically. To be completely honest, I became sick to my stomach for hours because of it.
For a couple days, I found myself in a funk. Yes, nausea faded by the second day and some good things came out of the situation (this article and an original song), but it got me to thinking about missing people.
What does it mean to miss someone? What is actually happening to our bodies?
Maybe it’s because I like to separate myself from emotions, but I am intrigued by the chemicals released by the brain in situations such as these. I wonder things like, “Am I really having trouble breathing or is this all in my head?” or, “Do I really care about this person or am I experiencing the effects of oxytocin?”
…I might be a little weird.
Even so, I did some research on the topic. After hearing it said that missing someone is similar to suffering from withdrawal, I was curious if people and the attachments we develop to them were like drugs to our brains. Turns out, it’s not quite that simple.
For most people with a basic knowledge of psychology, the term “fight or flight response” is a familiar one. It is your body’s instinctual reaction to stress brought about by threats and fear. This triggers a reaction in the amygdala, a part of the brain which controls emotional responses and memory, which then activates a response in the hypothalamus. Hormones are then released that increase blood pressure and sugar as well as causing a boost of energy. Automatic physical responses that are brought about in this response can be shaking, accelerated heart rate, paling, and flushing, increased muscle tension, temporary or slight loss of hearing, as well as other things.
Depending on the intensity of the emotion to which your body is responding, these responses can also vary. Anxiety, rage, and aggression might arise as well depending on what type of stress the body is reacting to and how one tends to cope with certain situations. When you use terms such as “gut-wrenching” or “heartache”, there is more truth than you may have previously assumed. Believe it or not, missing someone is a type of stress that causes the fight or flight response.
When you first meet a potential partner, your brain begins to produce chemicals such as estrogen, testosterone, dopamine, and serotonin in order to increase the chances of mating. This is part of an automatic, evolutionary reaction that is meant to give the human race a better chance of surviving. It isn’t until later in the process of knowing someone that you begin to find turn offs, reasons why you won’t work well together. In relationships that last for a couple weeks or months, you could consider yourself “infatuated” with a person- not in love.
Up until the point where you are learning the differences and similarities between you and a potential partner, your brain usually limits the chemical production to those involved with the sex drive. But after this short phase, there is a growth of neurological pathways that begins to take place. Your brain starts developing neurological connections to a specific person, which in a way causes your brain to become addicted to someone (not just the activities shared with them).
Depending on the length and intensity of the neurotransmissions built during a relationship, I believe that you can often determine the best way to work through the heartache of missing someone. Even in a close non-romantic friendship, the brain produces different chemicals according to what the friendship (or neurological pathways) are built on.
If you enjoyed the company of a person but had no real connection to them, you will find that distracting yourself with others who can offer the same type of companionship can ease the withdrawal symptoms you might be experiencing. Throwing yourself back into things can often help ease the stress of missing them.
However, in the case of a lost relationship that really meant something, time will most likely be the best medicine (as cliché as that sounds).
Know that the physical pain you are feeling when you miss this person or that person is normal, and it will one way or another ease with time. You’re not going crazy, and you will get through it. Don’t beat yourself up because you feel weak or vulnerable- just blame it on chemicals.
That’s what I like to do.
