"Israel, return to Yahweh your God, for you have stumbled in your sin. -Hosea 14:1"
I gave my life to Christ a little over a year ago so you could still call me a baby Christian if you are one to put labels on things. But I don't believe that my timeline truly matters because my faith doesn't stand in the sense of time. I didn't give my life to Christ because I watched my family do it, or because I wanted to try something new. I gave my life to Christ because my only other option was death. I think watching anyone walk to an alter and give up the reigns on their life and hand it all to the feet of God is beautiful, but there is true beauty in experience. Experience in life that is. A seven year old can know what they are doing in their heart but they haven't truly been challenged. Now a 70 year old man doing the same thing is nearly a miracle, for they have seen and tasted every piece of life. And yet they still have the strength to believe in something.
A false belief I had when I first accepted Christ was that everything was just going to change and be okay. But I have had to learn the hard that the word "will" doesn't mean now. It literally means things WILL be okay. It doesn't mean that my scar tissue would disappear and all my problems would just resolve themselves. Honestly life has gotten harder since I became a Christian, but for once in my life I have purpose I now have a reason to keep fighting.
Life is a battle and anyone who tell you it is easy has straight up lied to you. To be honest I cannot stand when people constantly say that we need to find beauty in life, because life is messy and it hurts like hell. But I think it was made this was for a reason. Even as a young adult, only being a 19 year old woman I have lived more life than most 50 year olds. I choose to believe this is both a blessing and a curse. I have tasted death and loss so much that I cant seem to get the taste out of my mouth. I have been left alone so much I cant handle having someone by my side. I see and feel things differently than everyone around me. I have climbed out of valleys and up mountains with my own strength for years until I was too tired to do it anymore. I finally realized than man was simply created to fail, we are supposed to fall at His feet and ask for help.
Over the past year I have grown and changed so much it has nearly given me whiplash. I can barely recognize myself and some of it I am not proud of. I have questioned my faith more times than I can count. I am ashamed for this. I know deep down that God will never let go of me, but I need to stop fighting him. I don't have to fight alone anymore, I don't have to be on the front lines fighting for my life. God has already won this battle for me, I know how the story ends. I catch myself running from him 100mph and I wonder why I am so tired. I try to live two separate lives. The Cheyenne that thinks she has to fight life to survive, and the Cheyenne that now fights for God. I need to smash those two together before one of them gets tired of fighting and gives up.
Yes everything was once taken away from me and I am still bitter about it, but I need to understand that God gives and God takes and I need to take what he has given before it is too late. If you try to live in a fake Jesus non-oriented life you will have to face not only the wrath of God but also earthly consequences. You can fight God as hard as you want but you are only making things harder on yourself. Life is hard enough, so take the gift you have been given and run with it.
You can decorate absence however you want - but you're still going to feel what's missing. You can go out and drink away the pain and guilt but when you sober up the next morning guess what? It is still there. You can go roll around in bed with people but when that person leaves that bed and leaves you alone, guess what? It is still there.
Stop running, because your legs will give out on you.