Romanticize - "to deal with or describe in an idealized or unrealistic fashion; make (something) seem better or more appealing than it really is."

I am so consciously guilty of this. I am eternally trying to make the boys I like into the potential I see them to be in my head. It's like trying to turn a chunk of metal into a race car with nothing but a butter knife - in real life it cannot be done. I find myself loving these boys for who they pretend to be and to keep up this image I just keep pretending and performing. But if you try to bring what is real to the surface, whether it be who they really are or the insignificant way they make you feel, they hate you for it. This is all because you are ruining their glass ceiling, their conception that everything is perfect the way it is, with you on the side, but still by their side.

It is the situations such as these that I find myself the most sad. I can't really figure out why most the time, because half of my brain has a false image of a boy that isn't nearly as great as I painted him to be in my mind. It burns my head because I just know that it isn't supposed to feel like this. I have become so tired of accepting apologies for people that do not deserve them. There will be other boys. There is no reason to hang onto the one that made you feel the best you have yet, even when he also made you feel god-awful. He's orange juice after toothpaste, he comes in waves of discomfort and you just can't put your finger on where the issue all began.

If there is one thing I know to be a very universal truth it is that love detains you. It takes you hostage until your mind is enveloped with that person, no matter their flaws, no matter their pretenses. In every situation that has jaded me, it was because I kept offering pieces of myself that were unwanted. He did not care about my day, or what my friend did in the library that afternoon. It was all about the pm and never caring in the am. The last 6 months of my life I was barely swimming in a half-relationship utterly shrouded in ambiguity. I was astoundingly blind to the lack of care and appreciation I was receiving during this time in my life. I realized that it didn't matter if I left or I stayed, because it would all hurt the same. I used to want to be with him when I felt like being alone, a basic indicator of love. That faded when I realized I appreciated myself and my thoughts far more than he ever could.

As the weeks passed and the loneliness set in, I found myself wondering if he was really that bad. Maybe if I tried hard enough I could justify his actions and the nauseas feeling I received when his name traveled through my ear drums. However being lonely is no excuse to text a boy that broke your heart, no matter how sincerely it seemed that his apology was. These boys are not as flame resistant as they seem. We need to remove this deep-rooted fear that if we deal with our unhappiness and break it off that we'll be alone forever. But this is so false, so very false. Just remember that sometimes the way you think about someone isn't the way they really are. Take a step back and stop settling. Stop romanticizing because you're afraid it won't come again. Love will come. Be confident in your flexibilty and do not make excuses for the character of another person just because you're worried yours won't stand alone.