I have had several discussions in the past week with my girl friends about guys and relationships, and there was a common theme: we think we have high standards, but have low expectations for the guys we date.
How does this work?
Well, everyone believes they have high standards. We may all have different lines that if people cross, it's a deal-breaker, but no one goes out and tries to date a disrespectful prick (right?). What I've realized, however, is that while we pride ourselves in not taking crap from anyone, and only dating "good guys," we tend to not really think much of the male gender, which isn't fair to us or them. It's easy for us to tell our friends when they are dating shitty people, but it's much harder for us to evaluate our own significant others.
Why do we excuse certain behavior, and say "that's just how guys are these days"? That is not acceptable, and it is not true. If a guy doesn't respect your boundaries, doesn't care about you or just uses you for sex, you should not try to justify his behavior as a "typical guy." You might be thinking, It's easy to say that, but I haven't met any guy that fits the "good guy" archetype. Fair enough. I don't know your dating history, and I don't know how many crappy guys you've had to deal with throughout your life.
What I do know is the fair share of crappy guys I, or my girl friends, have come into contact with. And let's be fair to men--there are just as many crappy girls out there, but as a straight female, I'm going to stick to what I know and have experienced personally.
I've found that my friends expect guys to act a certain way, based on stereotypes of college-age men, and once they meet one guy who fits this mold, they confirm their bias. This leads to women putting up with things they swore they wouldn't because they think they have to. I've seen friends put up with guys who are rude, disrespectful and emotionally abusive because they think that guy is the best they can do. I've personally had relationships where I trick myself into believing no one could treat me better, when in reality, I wasn't being treated that well.
I am here to tell of you that there are good guys out there. Plenty of them. I promise. You do not need to waste any time talking to guys who are not worthy of your time and will not treat you with dignity and respect. This may sound like common sense, but I'm sure you are already thinking back to a time where you, or a friend of yours, put up with a lot of bad behavior that you excused as normal.
So, how can we stop putting all guys into a box filled with low expectations and disappointment?
1) Remind yourself of your high standards.
Don't let them waiver. If you find yourself starting to excuse behavior from a guy you're dating that would not fly if he was dating your best friend, you probably need to reevaluate your relationship.
2) Stop buying into harmful stereotypes of men.
It is offensive to men to believe that all of them are hormonal animals. This is completely inaccurate, and also just leads you to accepting terrible behavior. Stop thinking this!
3) Meet more new people.
If you really have only ever know awful guys, then you should try to change social groups and get to know guys more before committing to anything. It can be hard to judge what type of person someone is if you have only met them a couple of times. Also, if you only go out with the same type of guys, or guys from the same friend group, then you will likely dislike the same things about them. After all, they are the company they keep.
4) Realize that you deserve someone that treats you with kindness and respect.
Whether or not you have low self-esteem or insecurities, we can all trick ourselves into believing we don't deserve the best treatment or that "good guys," won't like us. This type of thinking is very harmful to our well-beings, and it is also untrue. Do whatever you have to do to convince yourself that you are worthy of being treated with praise and dignity.
Lastly, I wish you luck in all of your endeavors; romantic and otherwise. No matter your gender identity, sexual preference or relationship status, you should always keep your standards high. Do not let yourself become a doormat, and always be conscious of the way someone is treating you. Do not let them think that treating you poorly is acceptable. I hope that you will find someone worthy of your company, and that you will know what is is truly like to be valued by someone. I speak from experience when I say nothing is greater than the feeling of being truly appreciated.
On a more serious note, if you or someone you know is experiencing abuse from a significant other, than PLEASE get help by visiting http://www.thehotline.org/ or call 1-800-799-7233.
