Anxiety isn’t something that I wished for. In fact, it’s not something that I’d wish on my worst enemy. It’s not a weapon I’d ever dare to use on anyone. Because contrary to society’s belief, anxiety isn’t a disease that is easily manageable with a daily pill and some meditation. It’s not simply overthinking or worrying if you forgot to turn off the stove. And it certainly isn’t “being flustered when things are out of order” like many school grade students think. Anxiety might be more common today, but just because it’s affected many, doesn’t mean it should be normalized.
Several people are nervous to order their own food, or say hi to someone in passing. Many individuals become nauseated when they’re running late or stressed when they forgot something at home. But what differentiates these normal emotions from anxiety disorders, is the intensity they are felt, and how long they stick around. See, for those many people who get nausea when they're running late for work, they tend to calm down once they arrive and their boss reassures them that it’s okay to make a mistake. But for the individual with anxiety, they will question their worth all day, all week, and maybe even beyond that. They’re wondering if their boss is just playing nice but secretly infuriated. They’re envisioning the time on the clock spinning faster and faster. And most importantly, anxious thoughts aren’t only repetitive for hours on end, they also spiral – and fast. By the time you can pick up your coffee, take a sip, and put it back down, here’s what has gone through their head:
“I’m late and it might only be 10 minutes but the boss was very adamant on time management at that last meeting. I know I’m going to get yelled at. Or what if I get fired completely? Won’t that be on my record when I’m trying to find other jobs? Maybe I should just quit when I walk in there so I end up with the upper hand. Oh God, what if my boss is having a bad day? What if I walk in and he tells me to just leave. No no, it’s going to be okay; this is only my first time being late. But what about that mistake I made 3 weeks ago with the fax machine? Would this count as strike two? I also made that error in my report last year – this is technically strike three. I’m going to have to pack up my office and find another job. Oh God, I’m gonna get sick. I can’t breathe. This is it – I’m getting canned.”
Seems a little irrational, doesn’t it? There was barely any time to breathe after those periods. It was probably exhausting and a headache to read that one paragraph, wasn’t it? Now imagine hearing paragraphs like that in your own head, all hours of the day, while still trying to maintain a normal, functioning lifestyle. That is what people with anxiety overcome, on a day to day basis. Anxiety is not simply worry – it is unwanted, invasive, panicky torture.
We think about every. single. move. that we make at least 5 times over. Or in my case 7 because 5 isn’t enough, 6 is an evil number, and 8 just makes me uncomfortable to think about. We cause friends to leave because we need constant validation and reminders that just because we haven’t talked in a few days, it doesn’t mean they hate us. We push romantic relationships away and can hardly make them last long term because most people can’t handle the constant desire of reassurance and attention. And the second that starts lacking, we swear it’s because we’ve done something wrong, or they’re cheating, or they just simply aren’t interested anymore but they’re sticking around because they feel bad. So our head spirals down the path that leads to chest pains and aching heads – and we fight. We fight and scream and cry and apologize too much and say thank you at least 3 times for the smallest favours given to us.
But here’s the thing – we’re also incredibly bad ass. We’re so worried we’re not doing anything right, that we’re actually busy going over the top. We’re so terrified of making a mistake, that we perfect *almost* everything we do. We love hard. Harder than anyone you’ll meet. We care when you express emotions and we stare through the heart of your eyes while listening, because if anyone understands stress – it’s going to be us. We’re hard to handle and at times we’ll overwhelm you with our spiraling thought tracks and breathless statements, but we’ll also love you harder than anyone you’ll come across. We’ll validate you, respect you, and reassure you. We’ll give you everything you could possibly need, and maybe even want, because we know what it feels like to have 10 seconds of calming stillness. And just because we rarely get those ten seconds ourselves, it doesn’t mean we can’t work hard to give them to you.
Anxiety will never be something we wished for. But we’ll embrace it, and we’ll power through it. Because to go through what we do in one hour, would make most people crumble in 10 minutes. We are trapped in the prisons of our own mind, being thrown from wall to wall until we’re bruised and bleeding. But because the wounds are on the inside, no one notices, and no one tries to patch us up. We’re warriors. We push through crippling scenarios and screeching migraines because we don’t have a choice. Some days we might stay in bed a little longer or hold off on last Sunday’s laundry – but we eventually get to where we need to be, and that will always make us incredibly bad ass.
