If only you were here. It's been five whole years without you. They say time is the healer of all wounds and yet, my wound has only begun patching a gaping hole, filled with an uncontrollable yearning for you back.

Although, now I can think about you without a tear forming, I can talk about you without the feeling of shame of losing you and I can still even hear your laughter within my mind. They say that it is one of the first memories to fade, the voice. I hold onto your silly giggle with all my might, and at the faintest of times I can hear it. I can hear your silly giggle within my laugh, my own laugh.

I am no longer looking for you in other people because I've accepted where you are, what you've done. I've accepted your choice to no longer be here.

I've accepted the changes within our family, within my own life, and I believe I was destined for some type greatness because you've directed me on my path ever since you've left. I've accepted I must continue my journey alone, without you physically by my side.

Our late-night conversations about taking over the world together remain only in my own written word; crafted by my own hand and ink mapped upon notebook paper. Solely in my handwriting, without your scribbles accompanying mine. Oh, how my penmanship has changed since you've been gone.

I know when that day comes to say "I do" to the man that I love so dearly, you will not physically be there. This may be one of the hardest truths to personally accept, but I've already envisioned what your handsome face will look like on my special day.

As I watch my current, beautiful life unfold around me with love, education, daily stresses, profound success, accomplishments, failures; I am a new me- I am thankful for the trials I fought through to become this new me, after you left. I was always set out to make you proud, but I am proud. I am the proudest. I have never felt so good before. I know, that you are sharing in this happiness too.

Many people do not understand how to respond to Suicide Survivors. I learned this after becoming one, after you decided to leave. I've stayed up late and researched and researched mental illnesses, mental disorders, the stigmas attached to the uncomfortable word suicide, depression, bi-polar disorder, solutions, therapy and help.

I've researched help. I sought help, after losing you. Better yet, I've conquered the fear of stigma. In entity, I'm a better person because I helped myself. I gave myself a better option, an option to accept and to promote a better life for myself. I promised myself, that I will not let the judgement of others effect me in any shape or form. I promised to promote Suicide Awareness, because there isn't enough of it yet. I promised, to speak of you and your legendary charm so that people in need of help, can sought help too.

My application has barely begun, but I've accepted that there is much work that needs to be done. I've accepted that my voice may quiver speaking in your honor in front of large groups, but I will speak loud and strong because I want to.

I've accepted that you committed suicide while I was home with you almost five years ago, on Halloween night. I've accepted that I'm finally, taking back my favorite time of year. I will not dedicate another night of Halloween, to a gloomy and hazy memory of your leaving.

Yet, I'm accepting that I need to take my day back because it's mine. I accept that although you may not be here in physical form, we will have a lot of fun together this Halloween. Although you aren't here, brother, you are. You live stronger than ever within my heart, within my mind, within every inch of my soul, within my voice. You will forever be, my right-hand man.

I am a proud Suicide Survivor. I did not attempt suicide, that is not what the term means. I am a survivor; I lost my younger brother to suicide. Many coin the "act" of suicide to be a selfish one and although I do agree to some extent; my brother did not wish to live anymore.

I accept...

He couldn't see the light at the end of his tunnel, nor did he think the people around him would benefit from his company.

I accept this.

My brother was severely depressed; he unwillingly admitted to me several times that he was depressed and we talked continuously about seeking professional help. I particularly remember his reoccurring bad days. These times, I thought that his beautiful brown eyes looked so dark. Darker than the deepest hues of brown, a stormy and pained color. I'll never forget his big, brown and stormy eyes filled with hurt...

I learned to accept this.

I've come to reason within myself that my brother, Christopher, was not within his soul his very last days.

He was already gone.

That stormy and impenetrable, dark-clouded color that engulfed his big brown and beautiful eyes resembled his irreversible pain that he lived in. I've come to accept that as much as I tried to mediate and help, he didn't want it. I was helpless in a state of trying to be helpful.

I've accepted my destiny without you. I hope that where ever you may be right at this very moment, you can feel the ever-radiating love I have for you Chris; that I've always had for you Chris, as a big sister, protector, best friend, an ally.

I've accepted that you're at peace.

-family photo, date and location unknown

May you forever rest in peace my beautiful brother

Christopher R. Zaragoza

01/03/1994- 10/31/2011

***Seeking help is not embarrassing, or shameful, or degrading. Please, if you or someone you know is looking for help, do not ignore it! There are people who want to help you, phone numbers to call, and places to go.

If in need of immediate assistance or help, call 911.

Suicide Prevention Lifeline: Call 1-800-273-8255

Helpful websites:

Crisis text line:

American Foundation of Suicide Prevention:

Suicide Prevention Lifeline:

Youth Suicide Warning Signs:

http://www.youthsuicidewarningsigns.org/

Mental illness such as depression cannot be brushed off in hopes of it disappearing tomorrow! Seek help now if in need, or become aware in hopes to a greater awareness and prevention for the future!