Evil Neighbors: A Step-By-Step Guide To Revenge

Do you or someone you know have a downright irritating neighbor? Do they frequently call the police on you for lightly playing Jack Johnson at 3PM on a Monday afternoon? Is your neighborhood not exactly on the corner of happy and healthy? Put those days of rivalry aside, and befriend your neighbors with these proven methods:

1. Duct tape their door shut. They'll love the challenge of having to cut open their doorway every morning before class or work! This method will surely bring a smile to their face so early in the morning.

2. Donate your leftovers and compost to your neighbors! They will simply love having rotting fruits and vegetables to help fertilize their potted plants. Make sure to leave the compost on their doorstep unexpectedly, to add to the surprise.

3. When they glare at you in the hallway, it's likely because they're lonely! Purchase a friendly-looking blow-up doll (preferably one that resembles their favorite recording artist, such as Michael Jackson) and glue it to their front door. They will be thrilled to have a friendly face greet them every time they come home!

4. Scream erratically throughout the day, specifically in rooms where you share a wall. The shrieking noises will keep them on high alert, and help them focus throughout the day. Always being on edge will sharpen those keen minds!

5. Let your animals poop in their yard/ in front of their door. They always complain about your pets, presumably because they don't have one - spread the love by using your own pets to help them feel like they have their very own!

6. Sign them up for every test product and magazine that you love, and I mean ALL of them! When they're getting mail by the dozens, they will be so grateful that you're willing to recommend new products.

7. Slip a rock into the hood of their car. The endless rattling noise will create a great beat for them to jam out to in the car! No more boring road trips - get ready to "rock on"!

8. To make them more comfortable, invite them over for a good old-fashioned exorcism! What better way to bond than to show them how culturally aware you are? (Make sure to mention you researched witchcraft because you assumed it was one of their favorite pastimes!)

9. Because they aren't so talkative, try speaking to them in a more friendly language- like rabbit! They will adore your cute bunny noises, and will undoubtedly join in. Before you know it, you'll both be hopping around like the best of friends.

10. You know that your neighbor is trying to make a good impression at their new job, and you want to ensure they feel more at home in their workplace. Forward all of the fantastic mail you just signed them up for to their work address! Imagine all of the conversations that will come up with your neighbor's coworkers! New friends all around!

11. Now that we've forwarded all their mail, do them a favor and glue their mailbox shut! They won't be needing it anymore, as all their mail is going directly to work. What a time-saver you are.

12. You often can hear them arguing in the bathroom on the opposite wall. To bring peace, find the largest and cheapest power saw you can at a local hardware store. Cut a small child-sized hole in the adjourning wall, so that you can always lean over there to interrupt those tense situations with some calm banter. It's like a secret tunnel, and everyone wants one of those!

13. Invite Snoop Dogg and Rebecca Black to perform a three-week long, 24/7 mash-up concert in your very own living room. Who doesn't love hearing a live remix of "Friday" and "Drop It Like It's Hot"?

14. To finalize that friendly atmosphere you've been working so hard to make, throw a few gallons of curdled milk at their door while yelling "I'm your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man!"

14. As a last resort, just steal your neighbors' identity and burn down your landlord's building. They will be evicted and, finally, you can once again live in peace.

I followed these instructions step by step and the results were immediate! My days of being threatened by my neighbors are long gone, and I highly recommend you all do the same! Good luck!

(Disclaimer: Don't actually do any of these.)