This weeks topic: relationships. Which is ironic because I have always felt uncomfortable in serious relationships. Between my family, friends, and significant others, I am not afraid to admit that I am scared of people getting too close to me. Things have always been that way. As soon as someone gets too comfortable, I push them away. Up until my freshman year of college, I never knew why. About three years ago, I was diagnosed with Bipolar I Disorder - a mood disorder characterized by extreme episodes of mood swings which range from depressive lows to manic highs - and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. These bipolar episodes are unpredictable and can last between weeks and months at a time. There is no cure for Bipolar I Disorder, only treatment, which usually involves taking medication to create stability each day. My therapist at the time explained how that can affect the relationships I have with others. Here are 4 things that hinder my ability to have a fully successful relationship.
1. Getting Attached
Getting attached to someone who is never consistent can be challenging. I often times hear that I don't care enough or don't show enough emotions in a relationship. A lot of people mistake me for cold and uninviting when, in reality, it just takes me a little bit longer to get used to people than it takes them to get used to me. Despite my standoffish demeanor, I very much enjoy the presence of others, especially my friends and family members. I like to keep people at an arm's length to avoid conflict in the future. This type of behavior can be extremely difficult for people who want to poke around in the areas of my mind that even I am uncomfortable being around.
2. PDA
No. Send help. Don't touch me. Public displays of affection, or PDA, make me extremely uncomfortable. I don't do hugs or kisses or hand-holding. All of it makes my stomach twist inside-out, causing extreme bouts of anxiety. I do not like it when people put their hands on me without me reaching out first. It's always awkward meeting new people who are friends of friends, especially if they are huggers. You know exactly what friends I'm talking about: the ones who get excited over everything and have to scream and hug each other and jump up and down upon meeting... My worst nightmare. This always seems to happen when I go to visit my friends at my old college. It can be extremely difficult to be in a relationship with someone who does not wish to acknowledge you outside of conversation. I have had many (now) ex-boyfriends get upset with me when I refuse to hold hands with them if we are anywhere aside from home. I've even been dumped because of this. But it is something that makes me uncomfortable, and I won't give myself anxiety to please others.
3. The "L" Word
Ah, the "L" word. Love. I have a major problem here also. As many people with bipolar disorder and / or generalized anxiety disorder, I overthink everything I do. I know for sure that I love my family. That has been ingrained in me since I can remember and, because of that, I have never overthought it. But when it comes to relationships, I have a hard time figuring out what is real and what is placebo. I have only loved one person that I have dated before. Unfortunately, it took me almost 3 years to realize how abusive and manipulative he was. Great first love, huh? The last guy I dated was a great guy, but I ruined it by pushing him away. It went like this:
Him: I love you
Me: Thank you...
4. Best Friend
We all rank our friends 1, 2, 3, etc. My number 1 main-bitch-best-friend has been a huge part of my life since freshman year of college. He and I lived in the same dorm but on different floors. I'm not sure how it all started, to be honest. But to this day, even living in different states, we have still managed to remain best friends. He somehow managed to break down the walls that I have spent years building up. And trust me, nobody builds a better wall than I do. All jokes aside, things have not always been easy for my best friend and me. It is easy for me to shut off what I feel and turn to the classic "I'm fine" when asked what's wrong. I know this frustrates him, and it can create an uncomfortable environment for us. Even around my best friend, it is difficult for me to show that I care about him in a way that he understands. Even four years later, he sometimes thinks I'm cold and uncaring. We keep each other balanced in that way. He cares a lot about everything, and I care a little about nothing. He is the Batman to my Joker. After I transferred schools sophomore year, people asked if I would remain friends with him and then would proceed to ask "why?" when I told them yes. The answer to that might seem abstract to others, but to he and I, it is simple. Best friends don't give up on each other. Lilo wouldn't leave Stitch no matter how crazy he got. I don't think that needs any further explanation.
Loving someone who struggles with bipolar disorder and any type of depressive-anxiety disorder can be challenging. Mood swings followed by periods of highs and lows can cause stress in a partnership. Despite the negative baggage that comes with being bipolar, it is not impossible to make it work. It just takes the right person who is willing to stick it out and look for the light at the end of the tunnel.
