10 Stages You Go Through With A New Puppy

The personal project I undertook this summer was simple — convince my mom to get a puppy. It was surprisingly easy, and an hour after my mom made a phone call we were in the car to the Amish country to check out a litter of Rottweilers. We left the farm with the runt of the litter (and the only one who wasn't bent on stealing all the cow manure from the field and fighting her sisters over it). So, of course, this subsequent project, the one of actually raising the 11-week-old puppy, has been a little more difficult than just convincing my mom. Here are some of the thoughts and stages I assume all those in similar situations go through.

The naming process

“Her real name is Bambi technically ... Eh." “What about the blonde girl from Harry Potter since we all like Harry Potter? Yeah, Luna?" “Macy's cute" “No I know a b*tch named Macy" “Alright ... I like Luna..." “It's my dog technically so I get to name it — Dixie." “Dixie sounds like a stripper name." “Lucy is too basic I know two dogs named it already." “How about Captain Fantasma" “Shut up Chris" “I like Pepper!" “We already had a dog named Pepper before you were born." “Come here, Dixie! See she likes it" “Maybe we should name her Diamond then too" ... Ugh. We settled on Luna.

I would not hesitate to jump in front of a train for this creature 

Even if it wasn’t even necessary. I would. Not. Hesitate.

I am having second thoughts about my previous claim 

Actually after all of the cleaning up pee and poop, waking up early, being bitten multiple times, standing outside with the dog in the cold for thirty minutes only to have her pee the second we get back inside, and cleaning up more poop, and enduring more bites ... I don't know...

I am never going to have kids now

Nope. Never. No thank you. I never was inclined to in the first place, but now ... God no.

I have never seen such a small animal poop and pee so much 

How? How can she lap a little at her water bowl and then I slip in a yellow puddle .3 seconds later? I don’t think she has a digestive system I think it’s just a pipe.

I am so. Tired. 

Since the parents have work and the brother has school, I am charged with waking up at 7 am too and being a full-time stay-at-home mom until 4ish. I have my eyes trained on her every one of her waking hours and as soon as she takes one of her two one-hour naps I have other stuff to do, you know like go to the bathroom and eat a meal for the first time all day. There is no rest for the weary. Moms do not get enough credit and I do all the work around this house I swear.

They better be glad they’re so cute

If she was anything else/anyone else, I would’ve punted her across the room by now. There are only so many little vicious bites to the calf/ankle/face/neck/arm/etc. one can take.

Everything about them is cute 

The soft little pink beer gut/potbelly, the ears that flop when she sprints away from me to the mulch after I carried her away from it for the SEVENTH time, her little nose that crinkles when she snores in her sleep, the little tail stub that wags as her teeth are sunk into the skin of my calf ... gah I can’t.

No one: ... Me: Wanna see a picture of my dog 

She is so cute and deserves to be shown to the world in the form of SnapChat streaks, text message pictures, Instagram pictures, Facebook and Twitter pictures, phone and iPad backgrounds, blankets, billboards, and I could keep going.

I am sneaking her into college next year

And no one can stop me.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

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