Have you ever had an experience in which someone says something to you that they clearly have intended as a compliment, but then you suddenly become hyper-aware of every single thing about you as a person? It can make you feel like you're under a microscope, and your most appealing option is to crawl into a hole for a while. No matter how well-intended the original comment was, the kindness is lost when it brings up things that you wish people wouldn't point out.
What I'm getting at here is that there's just one standard social suggestion that I would love to see more widely implemented: don't comment on someone's weight. Ever. It's really just that simple. Have the urge to make a point about someone's body type? Don't. The reasons why are vast and complex, the most basic among them being that there is the very real chance that the person you're talking about is dealing with things that you didn't have the slightest idea about.
I would like to clarify that yes, fat-shaming is a far more prominent problem in our society than what I am about to discuss. I am in no way trying to discredit that, or suggest that my experience is more important or somehow worse. Instead, I am trying to discuss the issue that can be found in any criticism of a person's body, specifically regarding their weight. I am only using my experience as a way of illustrating this point. While there are a wide array of negative weight-related comments, and all of them carry the potential to be harmful, I'm specifically referring here to an incident that I have experienced recently. I had a situation in which a friend made a comment, in front of a large group of my peers and friends, about my weight. It was supposed to be a compliment - I have lost some weight over the past year, and it apparently shows. However, it bothered me to a deep level. I know there are people that will say I am being too sensitive and I am not entitled to complain about being called skinny. But before jumping to a conclusion, let me explain why I believe it is important to talk about this.
Call me a ranting feminist, but I believe that my body is my own and it is no one else's place to comment on what I should be doing with it. Telling someone they're too skinny and suggesting they do something about it suggests that you know better about that person's body type, eating habits and what they should be doing in terms of their body. Assuming you have a sense of superiority over someone else's body and what is best for them, and exercising that, is a very dangerous assumption. You are also assuming, without any idea of what they might be dealing with, that they are not already putting forth an effort to practice healthy behaviors. There are many different ways to struggle with weight, food, eating and body image, all of which can be deeply internalized. This means that just because you may not see it, that doesn't mean it doesn't exist and that certainly doesn't mean that it's not real.
There is a societal idea that an eating disorder is one or two things and that's it. However, disordered eating exists in many more forms than most people are aware of. People with eating disorders do not just never eat - they may eat once or twice a day, meticulously calculating it, and that may be the time you see them. To your eyes, they are exhibiting standard eating behaviors. Or, it may exist in forms of excessive compensation, such as eating a meal and immediately feeling it necessary to exercise to offset it or fasting or restricting for the rest of the day or week. Disordered behaviors can also include preoccupation with thoughts of food and eating and/or excessive feelings of guilt and shame surrounding the act and aftermath of eating a meal, a snack or even just a single bite. Commenting on a disordered person's weight can emphasize the impact and strength of all of these behaviors, as well as make them feel as though they are suddenly being thrown under a magnifying glass, especially if a comment is made in front of others.
This can be brutal because all of a sudden everyone is staring, and even just for a few seconds, the subject of the comment, the body being scrutinized, knows that they are on everyone else's minds, being examined and picked apart. Since they view their body through a possibly dysphoric way, they may assume that the surrounding people are seeing them in the same negative light they see themselves in. They may have strong feelings of guilt and preoccupation and these things will then become emphasized. For a person who has just begun recovery, this can throw everything into a tailspin, undo efforts and work that have been done to get better, and create a resurfacing of disordered behavior.
For a person struggling with an ED, that moment can magnify these effects to a potentially disastrous degree. Or, in the complete opposite direction, it could be a motivator. Constant comments that a person is skinny can create the conclusion in their mind that that is all they are worth and it can become something that they feel is an essential part of them as a human being. It is a requirement for them to keep this up, after all, if that's what they believe they are known for. This can spur more, and possibly worse, disordered eating behaviors.
People may think that we are in an age of hypersensitivity and that becoming upset about seemingly harmless comments like this is a ridiculous overreaction. However, I choose to think that we are entering into a time where mental illnesses are taken more seriously and we are becoming more aware and sensitive to the struggles that our friends and family are going through on a daily basis. What's wrong with trying to be more respectful of that? Even if you believe that this is hypersensitivity, would it really be so hard to just hold back one comment for the sake of another person's health?
The truth of it all is calling someone skinny, or too skinny, while you might mean it well, may be doing a lot more harm than you know. People are far more complex than meets the eye. To you, the moment may happen, the comment may pass, and you won't think of it again. But that person may think of that every day, incessantly driving them to continue unhealthy behavior, or making them believe that they are failing at recovery. It's just not worth it.
Long story short: everyone is dealing with things that you may know nothing about. So please be kind, be considerate, and maybe just choose to call someone smart, compassionate, witty, creative or pretty much anything else, rather than focusing on just their body. Seriously, they are more than just a body, and more than that, there is a chance they are focusing on it enough for the both of you.
