Failure is a pretty tough pill for anyone to swallow on any sort of level. No one likes losing. No one likes feeling rejected. No one likes feeling as though they did not do their absolute best. In many instances of failure we can isolate what went wrong, how it went wrong, what we can do to fix it in the future, and if we’re really lucky then we can blame the failure on someone or something else and walk away feeling blameless.
But sometimes failure is a bit harder to explain. What happens when you go on a really good date and they just aren’t interested in going on a second one? What happens when you apply for the perfect job and you’re totally qualified, but they don’t hire you? How do you explain or discover the reasoning for the bad days that simply have no rhyme or reason to them? If you’re anything like me, you become the biggest critic of yourself. You retreat. You perpetuate an internal message that you aren’t good enough and never will be good enough. And this is simply not healthy behavior.
A few weeks ago I was binge watching Star Trek: The Next Generation on Netflix because I am very clearly a super cool guy. In one of the episodes on board the Enterprise, a robotic android named Data was challenged to play a head to head strategy game by a smug alien ambassador. Being that Data was a walking talking computer, he clearly had the advantage heading into the match but was stunningly defeated by the challenger.
After suffering this defeat, Data proceeded to sulk away to his living quarters. He excused himself from all of his duties, refused to take his post, and spent the majority of his time running test after test on his programming in an attempt to locate a malfunction in his system. But he was not able to locate any sort of issue or problem. For all intents and purposes, he was functioning perfectly. He continued to isolate himself and skirt his responsibilities until a very aggravated Captain Picard ordered him return to his post and fulfill his duties on board the Enterprise. As he turned to leave, he paused for a moment and told Data,
"It is possible to make no mistakes, and still lose. That is not a weakness. That is life."
Picard is right. Sometimes failure comes despite our absolute best. It comes without warning or consent. It just happens. It wasn't because we weren't smart enough, or quick enough, or brave enough, or good enough. Sometimes you just lose.
Failure is frustrating. Trust me, I've been there. I'm a post-grad single male in West Texas currently trying to start a career and find a special someone. Rejection and failure are rampant in my life. There have been a handful of times where I thought I had found the perfect match either with a potential job or a lady and yet it just didn't pan out. Does that mean that those employers and women are bad people? Heavens no. They just went in a different direction. They pursued something else. They have every right to try something different. Because it is possible to commit no mistakes, make no errors, present your best self, and still be turned down. It's not a weakness on your part or a mistake on theirs. It's just life.
We need to keep in mind that moments like these are not so much about who we are, what we know, and what we have done to cause failure, but instead about what we choose to do in the face of failure.
Will we dwell on things outside of our control? Will we hide behind a mountain of insecurities and self doubt? Or will we just acknowledge that it just wasn't our day, move on, and try it again? You have a choice. And sometimes the best thing you can do when you have failed is to go right back into the world and fail some more. You'll be surprised what you learn about yourself.
