Sometimes There Aren't Answers And That's Okay

Sometimes There Aren't Answers And That's Okay

Today, we have no answers. Tomorrow we may not either.
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I feel the past couple years of my life can be summed up with a very simple phrase: we just don’t know.

These are the moments when I wish those superbly intelligent, genius, almost superhuman doctors we see on television were real. I wish they could look at me, do something quirky, and brilliantly diagnose me, all within an hour period with brief commercial interruptions. But real life doesn’t look like that. Real life is hours spent in waiting rooms, partners who love you who are pained they can’t fix it, random unexplained symptoms, awkward explanations to work friends as to why you just can’t spend your Friday night “out with the girls” because you need to be in bed at 9:30 to function normally. Real life is people asking you why you lost weight and making you feel guilty for it as if you did something wrong. As if you had control over it. Real life is wondering if you will ever get an answer; if you will ever put a name to the flurry of strange things your body seems to do every day.

Real life doesn’t have a clean, solvable, scripted ending.

I am very, very blessed to have a partner that cares so deeply about my well-being. Since we have been together, I have been sick, on and off. And without him, I may not have understood how abnormal my body was. If you have never known normal, it’s hard to differentiate between what is and isn’t usual behavior. Even as I type this, I am fatigued, mentally foggy and physically slow. I am in my mid-20s, active, hard-working and a healthy eater. I am a healthy thin for my height and age and I get about nine to ten hours of sleep a night (I don’t function well on any less). I stay hydrated, I eat my vegetables and fruits, I don’t have high cholesterol or blood pressure, I am not anemic or deficit in anything, and I, unlike many of my contemporaries, don’t drink coffee or alcohol like its going out of style. I limit myself to a cup of coffee a day, and I can barely finish a glass of wine on my own.

In short, I am disciplined. I am in control of what I can be in control of. And my body still doesn’t work properly.

And we still don’t know why. We know some things, but not the whole picture. My doctor had an idea and I prayed he was correct so I could finally have a full diagnosis, even if it would dramatically alter my life. But my blood panel came back without stain or strain. Then I found out after the fact that they only tested for one thing. They didn’t test for other conditions with similar symptoms. Just one. Then, they ruled that out and instead of digging deeper, they said, “Take ibuprofen for the pain.” Right, because pills are always the answer, right? But I compiled a list of symptoms the other day that were out of the ordinary and there were over forty. That makes it hard to swallow the whole “just take an ibuprofen” bit. Because that doesn’t really help. You don’t put a band-aid on a bullet wound and hope you are okay. You dig that bullet out. You bandage that wound up properly.

With my health insurance being the way it is (we have a terrible health system in America), I can’t get more tests without the necessary orders from my doctor, and I can’t get in to see him for another month. And then, even after he orders the tests, they have to be approved and scheduled. In short, that means another two or so months without any additional tests. The system is so bureaucratically congested that when people need help, they can’t get it. Patients are numbers to doctors because they have such a large case volume. Even the best doctors can’t give your body the individualized attention it needs for a proper diagnosis. So, they just treat immediate obvious symptoms without digging for the root of the problem.

So, for now, I don’t have answers. I don’t have a reason. I don’t have ultimate control. I have to make my excuses to my friends and family when I just don’t have the energy to go out, to come over, to meet up for coffee. I have to explain myself to my bosses that I need to come into work a little late so I can take a trip to Urgent Care because my fatigue is so overwhelming. I have to look at my wonderful fiancé’s worried expression when I give him the honest answer to, “How are you feeling today?”

What I am comforted by is my faith, the assurance that life is never easy for anyone and it doesn’t promise otherwise, and that we are all dying a little bit every day. So, whether we feel poorly or not, we have to find joy in each moment. Because it won’t come again. Christ says in John 13:7, “What I am doing you do not understand now, but afterward you will understand.”

Today, we have no answers. Tomorrow we may not either. And that’s okay. Because what I don’t understand, God understands.

Cover Image Credit: The Good Book

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To The Senior Graduating High School In A Month

"What feels like the end, is often the beginning."
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It wasn’t too long ago that I was in your shoes. Just a little over a year ago, I was the senior that had a month left. One month left in the hometown that I grew up in. One month left with the friends that I didn’t want to leave. One month left in the place that I had called “my school” for the past four years. You are probably thinking the same things I thought whenever it came down to only 30 days left. You’re probably scared, nervous, worried, or anxious. Maybe you’re like me and are dying to get out of high school, ready to start a new chapter. Or maybe you aren’t so ready yet. Maybe you’re wishing for a little more time.

As scary as it is, this month you have left will fly by. You’ll blink and you’ll be standing in your cap and gown, waiting for your name to be called to receive your diploma. You’ll look back on your last four years at your school and wonder why time went by so fast. It’ll be bittersweet. However, trust me when I say that you have so much to look forward to. You are about to begin taking the steps to build your future. You are going to grow and learn so much more than any high school class could teach you. You are going to meet amazing people and accomplish amazing things. So, as scared as you might be, I encourage you to take that first step out of your comfort zone and face this world head on. Chase your dreams and work towards your goals. You are smart. You are brave. You are capable of achieving amazing things. All your life, the lessons you have learned have prepared you for this point in your life. You are more than ready.

There are times when you will feel alone, scared, or confused. There are times when it won’t always be easy. But those are the times when you will shine the most because I know you will work through whatever problems you may face. Don’t think of the bad times as a terrible thing. Use them all as learning experiences. As author Joshua Marine once said, “Challenges are what make life interesting and overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.”

You might think that this is the end. However, it’s not. This is only the beginning. Trust me when I say that the adventures and opportunities you are about to face are nothing compared to high school. Whether you are going to college, going to work, or something else, this is the beginning of your journey called life. It will be exciting, it will be terrifying, but it will all be worth it.

So, as you walk out of your high school for the very last time, I encourage you to take a deep breath. Relax. You’ll always have the memories to look back on from high school. But your time is now, it begins today. Embrace it.

Cover Image Credit: http://i.huffpost.com/gen/1152445/images/o-HIGH-SCHOOL-GRADUATION-facebook.jpg

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Yes, You Have A Narcissist In Your Life, Here's How To Spot Who It Is

You know a narcissist right now, but you don't actually know who it is. There is a distinct connotation to the word narcissist, and there is a reason for that. So let's all figure out who it is together and get rid of the negativity for good.

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There is most likely a narcissist in your life whether you know it or not. I got this great idea to talk about spotting a narcissist from an IGTV post on Instagram by ATTN because I believe that it was really beneficial to hear the information being said. We are supposed to be happy and going back to the negative connotation of the word narcissist, I feel as though to be happy all the time, we shouldn't let negatives be apart of our lives.

Now, narcissists are not the same as being self-conceited, being self-conceded I would define as the lower and more human level to a narcissist because they still know how to be human. Sometimes the self-conceited people can be mistaken as overconfident people and as much as they have similar, there are also differences. But, I am not talking about these two right now, we are going straight to the extreme.

The first trick to spot one is in their sense of humor.

Normal human beings are OK with joking about themselves sometimes. If a friend starts making fun of them about how they entered a room, usually the person that entered the room weird would laugh along with their friends and agree that they entered that room weird. Narcissists would get angry that someone would make fun of them and will never laugh at their small flaws.

Next sign would be how a narcissist will interrupt peoples conversations all the time.

Narcissists only like to talk about themselves, so if the topic of conversation isn't about them, they interrupt the conversation just to change the topic to their own life and problems. To me, this is the "ah ha" tip that people will finally realize the people in their lives. Just realize that sure self-conceded people can do this too, however, they don't do this all the time and know how to communicate with people without just talking about themselves.

Narcissists like to make themselves seem untouchable, they shame normal things that people do just to give themselves a boost higher.

Even if it is everyday tasks like cooking for yourself or for normal interactions with people like being friendly to your neighbors. They could even go to the extreme as making sure you know that they are more liked by your own boyfriend than you. Or the slightly lesser of evil, make you unsure about it. If they have been in the proximity of a celebrity, they will let you know about it at least once a day.

This is how they make themselves feel superior to you.

Jealousy is the fuel of this whole narcissist image, but to me, this topic is also pretty confusing. Since jealousy is the fuel of this whole charade, it can be driven in many different ways. All in which normally come from a strand of jealousy. Whether it's them being jealous of other people or feeling like the other people are jealous of them, it has a soul purpose that leads them to act the way they do.

Also because of this jealousy, they think they can get away with whatever they feel like.

These people feel so superior that they think they can do anything they want making them more superior. Whether there are rules in place or not, they will do what they please with no thought of other people. They are likely to steal from businesses or cut in line. They will even go against friends beliefs and rules. Narcissists then put a big situation on friends because if they were to let it go, it then reinforces to the narcissist that they are okay with the bad behavior.

Now, Is everyone in your life a narcissist because they do one thing in this article?

No! Please, do not start hacking away at your friends because they show traits of narcissism because even though these are specific acts of a narcissist, these acts could also be a form of something else. I just wanted to write about this because, for that one reader that does have a narcissist in their life, they can be more aware and use this knowledge to their benefit when handling one.

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