A couple of weeks ago, I wrote an article on how men oftentimes reproduce systems of power without realizing or acknowledging it during day-to-day interactions in heavily coded and entitled ways. In the days following, I received many messages from my male friends (yes, I have those!) all basically asking the same thing: we recognize the issues you are facing, and want to be better allies, so how do we do that?
To you friends, and to all of you men reading this right now, I have to say thank you, honestly. Recognizing your own privilege in a world built to silence other voices is a difficult process, one that so many people don't even make it to. And if you have not only done that, but want to mobilize and stand in solidarity with those who have less, then I say thank you. So this week, this article is for all of you.
This is not going to be Feminism 101, I'm not in the business of convincing people to recognize my humanity or experience. I'm not going to cite the easily Googleable statistics for your convenience. I'm not going to explain my own oppression, or lay out all the varieties of systems that work to reproduce it. This article is for the people who have woken up, and are ready to make the world a better place, and want to know how. Also, keep in mind that as intersectional as these systems are, I also hold many privileges along with my discriminated identities, so I do not speak as a representative of a whole group. Do not only take my word for it, do your research. Don't even assume that feminists in general agree with this, because as with any political position, there is constant discourse and change within the movement. With that being said, let's talk about what it means to be a feminist/ally!
Before I go any further though, I'd like to clarify my own politics and what I mean by the word "feminist." What I mean by being a feminist is not just ending male oppression of women, because it's more complicated than that. Any feminist worth their salt knows that all forms of oppression (i.e. racism, sexism, xenophobia, transphobia, homophobia, ableism, classism, capitalism, etc.) are intertwined. I don't consider someone who decries one form of oppression but engages in another a feminist. You shouldn't either.
Feminism doesn't look like a perfectly coiffed Emma Watson standing on a stage. If the idea of feminism you're "cool" with is this idea of skinny, white, traditionally attractive, and rich, then you are not a feminist. Full stop. If you think Miley Cyrus is revolutionary but still make "ratchet" jokes about black women, you aren't a feminist. If you think Taylor Swift is great but a trans woman of color makes you uncomfortable, then you aren't a feminist. If you do not stand in solidarity with people of color, with transgender and gender-nonconforming people, with queer people, with disabled people, with poor people, with fat people, or with immigrant people, you are not a feminist.
For many people, the term feminist isn't even applicable, as it is steeped in a history of exclusion within a movement started by a very small and privileged group of upper-class white women. So it's not the label of feminism that's important, but the dedication to ending all forms of injustice. Just wanted to make that clear. Now let's talk about your privilege!
Privilege is a scary word for a lot of people, not gonna lie. However, I will be the first to tell you that having privilege is not a bad thing. You are not evil, you are not bad. It is what you do with that privilege that makes you who you are. Having privilege, once you recognize it, should be about using the unearned benefits to create more space for those who don't. So basically, I won't assume someone with a lot of privilege is a terrible person. That would kind of make me an asshole. However, if I see them being unaware of their social position and stepping on people, then my views might veer into the negative. But if you're reading this, you are aware! You don't want to do that! Gold star!
Now for the hard part: don't expect gold stars. Allyship is hard work, but nowhere near as hard as the lived reality of oppression. Too many times I've had conversations with men who espouse their "coolness" with feminism, only to expect points or social capital. That's not how it works. Being an ally is part of being a good person, it's setting the bar so low, it should be basic and expected. So if you want to be a good ally, don't expect pats on the back. I don't know if any of you have heard this joke or a version of it, but it goes something like this:
"Step One: Join women's studies class. Step Two: Say (insert buzzword/paternalizing shit here). Step Three: Collect panties."
How that situation would really go would be more along the lines of, "Okay WTF? We've all had to learn this the hard way years ago. Be quiet."
Speaking of being quiet, another important part of being an ally is actually not what you do, but what you don't do. How many times have you been in a room of people who all shared similar experiences and lived knowledge, and then someone comes in who knows nothing about what you're talking about, and takes up an enormous amount of time and space? It's not fun right? That's how it feels when an "ally" walks into a feminist space and places their own personal experiences and growth in the forefront. The job of an ally first and foremost is to sit down and listen. If someone tells you, "Hey, this thing you did is sexist," immediately getting defensive and trying to explain the behavior is not going to help anybody. If you are a man, and a woman tells you that something you say is sexist, who do you think is in the position to lose more/less in that interaction? I'll even take social justice language out of it, if someone tells you that you hurt them, would your first instinct be to deny that? No, of course not, because you're a decent human being. We are all in a position to be holding each other accountable, which is important because we were all raised in a highly problematic world with a lot of unspoken biases and assumptions. I cringe at the person I was several years ago, all the things I thought to be true and the hurtful things I said. However, if people hadn't called me out, if I had not grown, I wouldn't be here writing this article. Don't be afraid of being called out, or making mistakes. Just listen more than you speak, and speak mindfully, and you are on a good track.
Well, let me clarify that. That specific piece of advice applies if you are inserting yourself into feminist/activist spaces. Now, hold onto your seat, but I'm going to give you the exact opposite advice for your day-to-day life. Because of the way privilege works, the people surrounding you are often very similar. Guys have guy friends, white people have white friends, rich people have rich friends, etc. If you want to be a card-carrying feminist, that means you're going to have to speak up when someone says something offensive. That means that no matter how uncomfortable it is, you're going to have to speak up when your "bro" makes a rape joke. You're going to have to speak up when grandpa says something racist. This is where using your privilege to make the world better come in handy. Your "bro" isn't going to listen to someone like me, but he will listen to you. Space is given to men, especially white men, especially rich, white men, etc. to speak and be heard. Be a voice for reason and for others. Also, share this article.
But back to when you're in feminist spaces (because they're the best spaces, let's be real). Something important to remember is that while you should always approach situations with the intention of learning, you shouldn't approach oppressed people with the intention of making them your educator. This is the same kind of problem that arises when a guy asks me why I'm a feminist in the middle of an argument, or why feminism needs to exist. It's derailing to a productive conversation. Oppressed people do not exist to teach you about their oppression. Like I said in the beginning of this article, I am not in the business of convincing people to be decent. As an ally, listening to people is important, but you can't put your desire for "knowledge" ahead of respecting someone you claim to want to help. I put myself in the position of an educator, I am willingly writing you this article and telling you what's up. But this is something I do on purpose, and is not something owed to you by everyone who looks and thinks like me. I will be generous with you, but don't expect everyone to be. There are a multitude of easily accessible resources online (like this article, yay) where you can learn the bare bones, ones that I accessed to learn about my own position over a long process. Spend an afternoon on Google, don't harass your local feminist. On the same boat, as an ally, you are not owed being corrected nicely. If you mess up and hurt somebody, that person's priority is not going to be your personal growth, it's going to be letting you know you fucked up. It's up to you whether or not to do the growing.
Finally, I'd like to talk to you about a key aspect of allyship. "Ally" is not a title you give yourself. You don't get to wake up and decide one day that you're an ally. You don't get to tell yourself "I'm not sexist/racist/ableist/homophobic/transphobic/classist" and go about your day. It's not something to leverage for social capital or pay lip service to. Ally is not an identity, it is an action. It is a political position. No, I don't subscribe to the reductionist view of feminism as "thinking everyone is equal," because that completely ignores power structures and internalized biases/the necessity of self-work. If someone calls your feminist card into question, you lose no power, there is no harm, unlike when people face verbal/physical/structural violence for their POC/queer/female/trans/etc. identities. Allies are needed in the movement, but allyship isn't in sharing articles on Facebook, it is committing yourself to constant self-work. It is recognizing that the world we live in is one that needs change, and realizing that you are in a very real position to advocate for that.
So with all of that, I once again thank you. I urge you to continue learning, to continue searching, and to continue your self-work. I encourage you to throw yourself into the movement, and to retain a critical eye and open ears. I encourage you to stand up and sit down when the time calls for it, to speak up and amplify the voices of others. Go forth and be a decent person, a caring person, one who uses what they have for the benefit of others. Don't stop here.
