Alright, so you’ve recently been diagnosed with a gluten intolerance, allergy, or Celiac Disease. No? Well, then maybe you’re just choosing this to be “health savvy.” Regardless of the reason, I’m here to help you through this difficult, but necessary, transition. Now, I’ve been gluten free for a number of years, so please, trust me when I say that I know what I’m talking about.
1. Tell everyone you know
This step is of the utmost importance. If you’re gluten free and don’t tell anyone at least once a day, are you really gluten free? No. You are not. It didn’t come up in conversation, you say? Don’t worry! Remember, you are in control of the talking points. Always make it a point to bring this to the attention of everyone nearby—heck, it doesn’t even matter if you know them. Just make sure to ask the waiter “do you have anything gluten free?” loud enough for the entire restaurant to hear.
2. Fight the Power
Make sure that wherever you eat, you pester the entire staff about the ingredients within the meal about to be prepared. The restaurant doesn’t have gluten free food? Even better. Take this opportunity to demand to see the manager in charge and lecture him or her about the discrimination taking place. Be sure to add in the health benefits of your dietary choice to ensure that the manager feel personally responsible for your imminent starvation. Gold star if you use the word “outrage” and “abomination” in the same sentence.
3. Sigh Dramatically in Gluten’s Presence
Inevitably, you will be in the presence of food containing gluten; this may be in your office when snacks are brought in, at parties, or at a simple get-together with friends. The dramatic sigh is your best friend in these situations. It is your responsibility to make the others feel so uncomfortable about your predicament that they refuse to partake in eating the contaminated food. Extra points if their discomfort goes so far as purchasing or making a separate meal and / or snack specifically for you.
4. The Savior Complex
No matter the reason you’re gluten free, you have a moral responsibility to convert every single person with whom you come in contact to the same diet. There are so many people in this world who are killing themselves due to their excessive gluten consumption. There is no reputable research to support this claim, you say? Pish posh. That research is funded by the government, and, as everyone knows, the government is out to ruin happiness and contribute to the fall of humanity. With this knowledge, it is on you: save the people from the tyranny of gluten. Gluten is, after all, a curse from Satan himself.
There you have it. Four easy steps to being gluten free that will infinitely improve your life—and the lives around you.
